These Things I've Done
by abrokentardis
Summary: Lennon get's stuck with life changing problem's and is forced to go on the run with family for a thing her boyfriend did. {Shane/OC}
1. Lennon Chandler

_Lennon Chandler_

* * *

**Biographical:**

Race: Caucasian  
Gender: Female

Date of Birth: March 13th

Age: 15+  
Hair: Blonde, Straight  
Eyes: Green  
Height: 5'1

Alias: Elena Rae Newman

* * *

Place of Residence: -  
Place of Birth: Agrestic

Occupation: Student

Appearance: Blonde Hair, Green eyes, Pale skin

Fashion of Choice: Polyvore (Link on homepage)

* * *

**Personality:**

Religion/Philosophy: Atheist

Sexuality: Straight

Positive Personality Traits: Smart, Kind, Helpful  
Negative Personality Traits: Awkward

* * *

**Family:**  
Nancy Botwin (God-Mother)

Silas Botwin (Other, Brother-Type)

Andrew Botwin (God-Uncle?)

Shane Botwin (Other, Boyfriend, Baby Daddy)

Stevie Botwin-Reyes (Other)

* * *

**Interests:**

Likes: Food, Children  
Dislikes: Spiders

Favorite Foods: Pasta, Meat, Etc  
Favorite Drinks: Mtn Dew, Coffee  
Favorite Colors: Blue, Green

* * *

**Details:**

History: Her parent's died when she was an infant and went straight to her god-parents, Nancy and Judah Botwin.


	2. What a Tragedy

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 2, _What a Tragedy_

* * *

Lennon gasped and covered her mouth.

"A Croquet Mallet, I couldn't find a golf club" Nancy stared in shock at her son and Lennon ran out.

"What the fuck was that?!" Lennon shouted and Shane sighed

"It's cool how the lights change color." Shane said "I wonder if it's a salt water pool." Lennon stumbled over to Shane and Nancy "It doesn't sting your eyes as much as chlorine… Not that that's her issue." Nancy walked over to a key in the wall and turned it to pull over the pool cover to cover the now dead body of Pilar.

"Shane, don't let go of that stick thing."

"It's called a mallet." Shane said "Oh. Were on camera" Shane waved at it "What? Could be broken"

"Give me the stick." Shane handed the stick to his mom and she hit the camera with the mallet

"It's called a mallet; it's shaped like a mallet. It's for hitting thing hard. Mallet"

"You need to shut the fuck up." Nancy said grabbing Shane by the ear

"You're hurting my hair." Shane said as Lennon stayed where she was still in shock

"Lennon, honey, we need to go." Nancy said dragging him along and Lennon followed her. Nancy walked out of the house and straight to the limo that was waiting for them. Lennon climbed inside the limo and followed by Nancy and Shane

"Where the hell have you been?" Silas asked setting his cell phone down as Lennon sat next to him. "I could have been inside, eating mini sliders and making small talk with the king of Nicaragua"

"Nicaragua is a constitutional democracy." Shane said

"Hey! Can we get going? I need to get home and feed the baby."

"Now you're in a hurry, but when I'm waiting-" Nancy took a huge swig of alcohol from the limo "Is that such a good idea when you're on your way home to breastfeed?" Silas asked as Shane got his own glass that Nancy took away from him.

"You're underage." Nancy said "Thankfully."

"I think I've earned it."

"I think you've gone off the deep end."

"Ha! Deep end" Shane said catching the pun

"No." Nancy said a bit angered

"What's going on?" Silas asked

"Well let's see"

"Lennon." Nancy said not in the mood "We'll talk about it later." She said switching her attention back on Silas

"What'd you do?" Silas asked Shane

"I pegged out." Shane said and Lennon through multiple ice cubes at him

"You think this is funny?" Lennon said still throwing ice at him

"Ow! No!" Shane said flinching at every cube thrown at him

"Why can't I get a fucking straight answer from you people?" Silas shouted

"I don't have words." Nancy stampeded

"That bad" Silas asked and Nancy took another swig of alcohol

Once the limo stopped Nancy got out immediately "Go to my car and stay there." She said before running into the house. The children did as they were told and walked over to the garage.

* * *

"How was your party?"

"Well, pack up you, pack up baby." Nancy replied "We need to be out of here in five. Not coming back." She said setting down multiply baby bottles.

"Make. Go. Do now. Baby things, We're leaving." Nancy said

"Hey you wait a minute, I like this one." Lupita said "We both have that fiery Latin thing going on, And you better not let anything happen to this baby. You hear me?"

"Gonna do my best." Nancy said

* * *

"Let's go, air hockey." Shane said messing around with the puck

"I'd like to go in the house." Silas said with his hands in his pockets

"Chill a minute." Shane said "If you go in, I go in, And Lennon goes in, mom comes out and we're still inside, she's gonna shit a hedgehog." Shane said hitting a puck into the goal "One-nothing. Go."

"Shane, what the fuck happened at the party?" Silas asked leaning on the Air Hockey table

"I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool." Shane said shooting in another goal "Goal."

"Seriously, what happened?" Silas asked

"She was gonna kill us so I popped the bitch." Shane said "Right in the melon. Thwack. Splash. Dead... You gonna shoot?" Shane asked as he hit another goal "Three-zip you suck."

"You're serious."

"As serious as dad's heart attack" Shane said "Now in general I don't like that simile because some heart attacks aren't all that serious. I mean, you recover, reduce your salt and fat, drop a few pounds and life goes on. But dad's was serious."

"You killed someone?" Silas asked in disbelief

"Yeah, but I'm family. I mean, you got to still invite me to super bowl parties and shit like that." Shane said "I assume you're forfeiting the game?"

"Holy shit, Shane"

"I defended the family." Shane said "Mom's luck was running out, you called it."

"You're psycho."

"Mom said you stood and peed on her leg once when you were three. That's kind of freaky."

"How fucked up are you that you think my three year old squirt for attention is the same as you murdering a woman with a croquet stick?" Silas shouted speed walking to him

"It's a mallet." Shane shouted back

"Who gives a flying fuck what it's called, Shane." Lennon shouted

"You too" Shane asked looking at Lennon "I'll be in the car." Lennon frowned and looked at Silas. Lennon shook her head.

* * *

Nancy and Lupita walked out.

"Where's your brother?" Nancy asked Shane and he pointed out of the garage.

"I'm here." Silas said walking back into the garage "I'm guessing were not all heading to the police station."

"So glad you guys talked. Get in." Nancy said putting all the things in her arms on the floor and into the car

"Are we coming back here" Silas asked

"Probably not" Nancy replied

"Probably not" Silas repeated

"So you got to go in and grab all your shit, but I had to stand here with my dick in my hand." Silas said as Lupita put the baby next to Lennon in the car. "And leave everything behind. Is that right?"

Nancy nodded "Sorry. So, so, so, so sorry, for all those countless times I've left you holding your dick, I am sorry." Nancy said "But now you have the hand book of what not to do." Nancy said continuing to fill the trunk "And as we drive far away from here, we can talk about the many ways of which I failed you, or we can play license-plate bingo." Nancy said attempting to shut the trunk door. Silas opened the side door to the car.

"Move" Silas said

"Climb over me."

"I'm not sitting on the floor. Move"

"I'm already buckled."

"Well, unbuckle and move to the floor."

"You really don't want to mess with me, you know."

"Seriously, I'll sit on the mother fucking floor just keep your god damn mouths shut." Lennon said climbing into the car and sitting on the car floor."

"Scoot." Silas said to Shane

"Move over now." Nancy said pushing Shane with her foot

"Ow! What is it with you and the violence?" Shane said moving to the middle

"Don't play the whole 'I'm a killer now' card. That is unacceptable." Nancy said shoving blankets and things in the seat where they were.

"Fine" Shane said as Lennon moved the blanket off of her

"Are you a killer?" Lupita asked Shane

"I don't like labels." Shane said putting his seat belt on

"Maybe I shouldn't know about this." Lupita said

"No shouldn't and you don't." Nancy said getting in the driver's seat "You know nada." Nancy paused for a second and got out of the car and went to the side door. "Silas, you drive. I think I'm drunk."

"I'm buried; you have to dig me out." Silas said and Nancy opened the door and quickly took the stuff out and threw it on the floor. Silas got out and Nancy sat in his spot. Silas put the blankets back onto his mother.

"Nayna, your heel is on my hand." Lennon gasped and tried to pull away. Nancy reacted quickly and moved her foot.

"Sorry sweetheart." Nancy said leaning back into the car seat. Silas climbed into the driver's seat and buckled up

"Okay. Is everybody buckled?" Silas asked

"I can't, sorry." Lennon said from the car floor

"Mom's not" Shane said

"Go." Nancy demanded "If we crash all this crap will cushion the impact."

"I'm not going until everyone's buckled. Someone has to be a role model around here." Silas said

"I'd like you to drop me off at the bus stop, _por favor_." Lupita said as Nancy put her seatbelt on "Me and Stevie."

"How does one out of two sound?" Nancy said

"I can't talk you into it?" Lupita looked back at Nancy

"I make them, I keep them." Nancy said

"You didn't make me." Lennon said with a smile and Nancy patted her head

"Yeah well I practically made you. I raised you. Let's go."

"Are we going to drive like this all night? My thighs are going numb." Shane asked

"No. No, were not." Nancy said rubbing her temples "Silas, drive to Ren Mar. We're going to need a bigger boat"

"Of course" Silas said starting the car "Wouldn't want the shark feeling cramped."

Silas pulled up to the house and Nancy climbed out followed by Lennon.

"I'll be right back. You guys go wait by the van." Nancy said walking away from them. Lennon bent over in reach for her toes. Soon enough the rest climbed out. Shane took the baby from the seat. Silas started walking towards van and left the two with the baby.

"I'll take the baby." Lennon said taking the handle of the car seat and walked over to the van, Shane following behind her. Lennon set the baby down and Shane sat next to his brother leaning on the van.

"I think we spend half of our lives waiting on mom."

"She keeps people waiting. It's her announcement to the world that her time is more important than everyone else's. I'm not sure if it's pure ego or false bravado."

"You know why I peed on her leg?" Silas asked

"When" Shane asked

"Last night." Silas said his voice dripping with sarcasm "What do you think? When I was three"

"Because you had to pee and she was ignoring you." Shane said

"Yeah, that was pretty much it."

"Where do you think we'll go?"

"No idea." Silas said as he took a suit case and sat on it "What's it like?" Silas asked

"What?" Shane asked

"Killing someone" Silas said "Do you feel different?"

"No." Shane said

"Do you feel bad?" Silas asked

"I don't know, I don't feel bad… at least not yet"

"You tell me if they come. The feelings"

"Sure."

"What the hell does she have in these fucking bags anyway?" Silas said rummaging through his mother's things, so did Shane. Silas found shoes and his face literally said 'are you fucking kidding me?' Shane pulled out a large silver ring

"This bracelet's tiny, are mom's wrists really this thin?" Shane said examining it

"No, but Mexican dick is." Silas said and Shane immediately dropped it in the bag. Lennon covered her mouth and stood up. She searched the garage for a trash can and she found it. Lennon ran as fast as she could and vomited into the can. Silas and Shane stood up and watched the girl blow chunks. Shane walked over to her and held her hair up.

"Hey, you okay?" Shane asked as Silas walked over and patted her back. Lennon wiped her mouth and lifted her head.

"Just fine" Lennon said

"Yeah, okay" Silas said as Nancy walked into the garage

"Can you guys help me load… up the… van… what's wrong." Nancy said as she found the duo.

"baby sickness stuff." Shane said wiping her mouth up with a wash cloth

"Oh, alright, sweetheart when you feel a little better I need you to come help out okay?" Lennon nodded "Boy's come help me load up." Nancy demanded and Silas walked over to help. Shane set down the wash cloth and placed his hands on Lennon's face

"You sure you're okay?" Shane asked and she nodded with a smile. Shane nodded and let go of her face and walked over to help his mother. A couple minutes pass and Andy walks in and shuts the door.

"Andy's coming?" Silas asked throwing a suit case in the back

"Yeah, sure, why not" Andy said "Nothing left for me here. I'm alone again, naturally. I blew it."

"Shocker" Silas said

"Silas, be nice." Nancy said

"Sorry, she was cute." Silas said

"Thanks." Andy said

"I liked Audra. But you'll get over it. Time heals all wounds. Well, not all wounds." Shane said "I guess you heard. Yes, I killed somebody. Any questions"

"No, I think I got it." Andy replied "So, what's all this crap?"

"It's all moms." Silas said

"Not everything."

"We weren't allowed to get our stuff." Silas said

"I took some of your things, okay? We'll go shopping it's just stuff." Nancy said

"Just stuff? Okay then. Fine, How about we leave some of your stuff here because it's just stuff, How 'bout this lovely bag of shoes"

"I'm an odd size to fit. Just put them in the car."

"Okay. Well, this is getting a little ridiculous." Andy said holding up the mallet "Planning on playing a little croquet on the road?"

"That's the murder weapon." Silas said pointing to the mallet as Andy dropped it

"You killed someone with a mallet? That's hard core."

"See, Andy knows what it's called." Shane said

"Maybe we should put it up on eBay. 'Genuine murder weapon' we're going to need the money with all of our shopping." Silas said

"Andy?" Nancy asked

"What?"

"So sorry to do this to you, Silas is right about money. You have to go back in the house and get Bubbie's ring back from Audra. We may need it and it's your Bubbie's ring."

"You're fucking kidding me." Nancy smiled and got into the driver's seat of the car. Andy left the garage to retrieve the ring. Shane and Silas finished putting the luggage in the back and Lennon put the baby in the back seat. Shane sat in one of the middle seat in the can and Silas sat next to him.

Lennon climbed over Shane and Silas to get to the back were the baby was so she can sit. Soon enough Andy returned and he sat in the passenger's seat. He put on his seat belt and the rest was staring at his new black eye.

"Ring" Nancy asked

"No ring. Just drive." Andy replied. Nancy did as she was told and drove. Soon enough they were on the road to somewhere unknown. Everyone was asleep besides Nancy.


	3. A March into Water

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 3, _a March into Water_

* * *

"What exactly are we looking for?" Silas asked as Him, Shane and Lennon went through the newspaper stack

"Media mogul, unfortunate accident,_ Muerta_, Pilar Zuazo" Shane said

"There's nothing here."

"Probably tomorrow" Shane said plastering sauce over his food and taking a bite. Silas looked at him. "I'm hungry."

"You swung a mallet at a woman's head."

"Yeah" Shane said taking a couple bags of chips

"And you're okay with that?" Silas asked

"Mmm-hmm" Shane mumbled and Lennon took his hot dog and took a bite.

"Get me a red-bull." Lennon said walking over to the utilities

"Maybe she's not dead, maybe she's just injured." Silas said

"She might've been just injured before mom sent the automatic pool cover over her." Shane said walking away from his brother and over to where Lennon was. Lennon looked over the many things that hung from their places.

"Hey." Lennon said smiling at the duo

"Hey" Shane asked handing the girl her red bull

"Thank you" Lennon said taking the energy drink from Shane

"Let's pay for this crap and get out of here." Silas said heading over to the cash register with Shane and Lennon close behind.

* * *

"Let's go." Nancy said yelling for Andy who was talking to a chick that was getting gas for her car. Nancy hopped in the driver's seat and shut the car door. Shane sat in the passenger's seat and Silas was where he originally was. Lennon sat next to Silas, so Andy would have to be in the back with the baby.

"Let's fucking go" Nancy shouted at Andy but he didn't reply. Nancy began to drive and Andy ran for her and hopped into the van and climbed passed Lennon and sat next to the baby. Lennon shut the side door. Nancy drove out onto the road.

"Where are we going?" Silas asked his mother. Nancy looked over at Shane to see him eating.

"You paid for that with cash right?" Nancy asked

"Card." Silas replied

"Oh, great, perfect. Charges will be online in, what, an hour? He's gonna see."

"There, there, there. Super stores, let's stock up. Pull off." Andy said

"What?" Nancy asked

"It's now or never. Max out the cards, snap them, and drive like fuck so we're nowhere near this place."

"Okay, that's smart." Nancy said "I missed the exit, shit, I'll double back."

"What's the matter they open the pool cover?" Silas asked his mother. Nancy gave Shane a look that could kill "They found her and she's dead right? We need to go back."

"We can't go back." Nancy said

"Yes, we can." Silas said "We can explain it, He's a juvenile. We don't have to throw everything away. It was a mistake, self-defense."

"It wasn't a mistake; she never even saw it coming." Shane said

"Well, maybe no one else saw."

"There was a security camera." Shane said

"Oh my god, this is insane."

"We can't go back, okay?" Nancy shouted "We can't go back. My days were numbered anyway, as were yours because you all have the bad fortune of being related to me, so, we can't go back, we can't." Nancy said "Okay, it's the end of cards were pooling cash."

"No, No. I'm not ruining my life because of him. He made the mistake. No one's looking for me." Silas said. Nancy pulled over to the side of the road and opened the side door.

"You're right, Silas. No one's looking for you. They will be looking for you if they can't find me"

"Nance, we're all tired." Andy said

"No. No. He's old enough to decide for himself. I'm not gonna drag you along with me. Just know, if you get out now, it's not like you're going to be able to live a normal life. You're still gonna have to run for... I don't know how long." Nancy continued "You might have a better shot going solo, so you decide. You're gonna be a lone wolf or you gonna go with the pack." Nancy said as Shane imitated a wolf

"Shut up, Shane." Nancy shouted "I will ask you as your mother, who wants you to live, that you never go back to Ren Mar, or anywhere in the San Diego area, or Mexico, probably not Los Angeles." Lennon watched as Silas was ready to get out of the car but he just shut the door which made Stevie start crying.

"Lupita slipped me some money." Silas said handing a huge wad of cash to Andy, and Andy's mouth dropped.

"Wow. Lupita. That was nice." Nancy said getting back on the road

Nancy pulled up to a superstore and everyone piled out of the van. "Grab what you want." Nancy yelled after them. Lennon dragged Shane in the superstore in search for some things.

* * *

"What are you looking for?" Shane asked

"A new IPod, maybe a new computer too" Lennon replied "Do they cell clothes here?"

"I think so." Shane said Lennon nodded and headed towards the laptops. Shane followed her.

Lennon called over an assistant to help her. The assistant unlocked the case full of laptops and towers and handed her the one she wanted. The assistant brought it up to the register and Lennon took out the money Andy gave her.

Lennon gave the person the money and walked off with her brand new laptop. Lennon went over to the clothes rack and picked a few things out. Lennon wasn't one for shopping but she loved getting new things. Lennon headed over to the PC games and grabbed the one's that irked her interest. Soon enough Lennon was done and she headed to the check out. "Hey could you watch this for a sec? I need to grab one more thing." Lennon asked Silas and Andy who just so happened to be waiting in line. Lennon ran over to the shoes and grabbed a pair. Lennon looked around her and saw baby clothes.

"Oh dear god" Lennon said Lennon walked back over to Silas and Andy with her box of shoes. Lennon dropped them into her cart and sighed

"So, guy's how awesome is this? It's gonna be fun." And said placing a hat on Lennon "New name, new identity, total roaming, gypsy-style shenanigans, Mad play from the ladies in strange new towns, strange new beds." Andy attempted to put a hat on Silas but he took it off immediately "No, no, no, security camera's, keep the bill down." Andy said as Silas put the hat on "There you go." Lennon sounder out until Andy got a little louder. "Oh, oh, oh, get those phones and batteries, too"


	4. Home's not an Option

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 4, _Home's not an Option_

* * *

"I told you we should have stacked the diapers on the bottom." Shane said watching the diapers tumble in the back. Nancy looked back and forth from the Shane to the road. Nancy drove into a park and unbuckled.

"You, Out, Now," Nancy said taking Shane outside

"Oh, man, I was wondering when she was gonna blow." Andy said

"Yeah, she's pretty pissed." Silas said leaning on the passenger's seat

"Well, he bludgeoned a woman to death with a mallet He should be chastised."

"Listen." Nancy said facing her son "What you did was not okay. It was dangerous and foolish, and now were all paying for it."

"Well, that's no way to say thank you." Shane said

"What?"

"I saved your ass. I saved all our asses." Shane continued and Nancy slapped him aside the head

"Oh, shit." Andy said inside the car

"Do you even hear yourself? You're a kid. You're supposed to be out playing baseball, not clubbing people to death. I'm the mother, I decide who gets clubbed. I do the clubbing not you. When you're 18…21… feel free to take a stick…"

"Croquet mallet." Shane interrupted

"Whatever sporting good you desire, club whoever you like, go to prison the rest of your life. But meantime your only job is to do kid things. Video games, broken curfews, Peeps in the microwave. That was my mess to fix not yours."

"Am I grounded?" Shane asked and she whacked him upside the head again

"Empty those pocket's."

"No!"

"Do it!" Nancy shouted and he did what he was commanded and Nancy took the candy "No more sugar for you." Nancy said putting some skittle in her mouth. Lennon reached for the skittle but Nancy batted her hands away

"But you're glad I did it."

"I'm glad it was done, not by you." Nancy said as Shane smiled a bit "Don't smile, turn around." Nancy spanked her fourteen year old son "Don't do it again." Nancy shouted

"Go." She demanded and walked back to the van with her son.

* * *

"Okay, time for Uncle Andy's guide to living off the grid." Andy said leaning on the driver's seat. "Step one, Kill your old identity. From here on in the Botwin's are dead… and the Chandlers." Lennon laughed she never knew her parents so it's funny to her that she secretly died along with them. "That means no contacting friends or family."

"We don't have any friends or family." Silas said

"I'm friends with Isabelle." Shane said

"You can't contact Isabelle, honey. Sorry." Nancy said sucking on a diet coke

"Well, that means you can't contact Celia." Shane said

"No problem."

"Moving on," Andy said "Step two, establishing new identities."

"Where are we going?" Silas asked

"If we get on the 84 in Portland, it'll take us back to 80." Shane said

"We're not going to Pittsburgh. We're going to… Canada." Nancy said

"Canada? This is bullshit." Silas said

"No, it isn't. We killed someone very important, and we don't have Esteban to help us."

"We" Shane asked

"He killed someone, and we're not even sure if anyone is following us." Silas said hitting the back of Shane's seat "Psychopath."

"Esteban's not going to be happy that you took his child." Shane pointed out

"My child and your brother"

"Half" Silas said

"Let's not make that distinction, okay? It's petty." Nancy said looking through the review mirror to look at Silas "Shane, honey, get us to Canada."

"Keep going north." Shane demanded

"What the hell is in Canada?" Silas asked

"Distance between us and what happened last night."

"We could drive to Alaska or Argentina, both good places to disappear." Shane suggested

"Panama Canal! Let's do a seven wonders tour!" Andy spoke up in an excited tone

"Sorry. No Wonders. Argentina requires going through Mexico, which is out of the question. Alaska, however, is still on the table."

"No it's not." Andy said

"Why?" Nancy asked

"Long story involving a cannery foreman in Kodiak and a knife fight in a salmon smokehouse." Andy said "If I ever catch you in this state again..." Andy said mimicking the foreman "It's not worth talking about."

"Right"

* * *

"How are we supposed to buy anything with not much U.S cash and no credit cards?" Silas asked taking off his headphones "In Canada"

"Not rebuilding yet. Still fleeing. Need time to work out the details."

"I should have gotten out back in California." Silas said putting his headphones back on

"Watch your movie, sweetheart." Nancy said speaking directly to Silas. Silas took his headphones off and hit play on the remote. The recorded voice that was playing on the car screen rang threw out the car.

"_The dodge caravan's third row split bench seating may also be flipped completely rearward for convenient, comfortable tailgate seating_." Everyone in the car imitated this line. They have watched this video more than enough times they have memorized the lines.

* * *

Andy pulled up to the Canada border cross. Nancy unbuckled her seat belt and climber up front "You, back, me front."

"No." Silas said

"I'm not asking, I'm telling." Nancy said as Silas unbuckled and began to crawl to the back. Shane moved to the back and sat next to Lennon because he knew his older brother would boot him.

"How about a please" Silas asked

"How about respect and fear for your fucking mother?" Nancy said "Switch with me." Nancy asked Andy

"No. No, I'm more than capable…" Andy said as she began to push him "Don't! Off! She's coming. Be cool."

"Well, alright, good folks, let's just do the drill." The woman from the border said "Passport's and where you're from, where you're headed."

"We are from Californ-I-A" Nancy said as she grabbed the passports "Headed-"

"To Calgary" Andy said budding into her sentence

"You just missed the stampede." The border lady said and Nancy and Andy exclaimed "So, how do y'all know each other, and what brings you to Calgary."

"These are my children-" Nancy was cut off by Andy

"My wife and I We're headed to a birthday party, my great uncle's... It's at a nursing home. Silas." Andy said handing him back the passports

"92 years young." Nancy said supporting Andy's lie

"And it's tonight at 8. Gordon Lightfoot's playing."

"He's never met the baby." Nancy said

"Let's see the little bundle of love." The border woman said

"Four months. Stevie, Hold him up, honey. Hold him up." Nancy said demanding Silas to hold up her youngest. Silas held him up high enough for the border woman could see "Let's see his face."

"Let's just take a peek at the little tyke's birth certificate, and I'll get you on your way." There was a long pause when the woman said that.

"Uh," Nancy murmured rummaging through her purse "I think you've got it."

"No. Must be in your purse, sweetheart" Andy said

"Yeah, I don't… I don't see it."

"Uh-oh someone's in the doghouse." Andy said

"Do we really need it? He's obviously got his father's smile."

"Stop, sweetie. His smile is all yours."

"I think the eyes are mine, the chin is yours." Nancy said

"I'm not sure that I agree."

"I'm real sorry, folks" The border woman said "I can't let you over without a birth certificate. Look, was he born in the states?"

"Yes, in a hospital, on the grid." Andy said immediately

"All right, I don't usually do this, but if you call the hospital and have them fax it over, I'll get you right through." The border woman said writing down on a piece of paper "Turn around point right up there… And I'll see you soon."

"Okay, thanks."

"What a waste of fleeing time." Lennon said

"Lennon, mm mmm, not now" Nancy said leaning back in the passenger's seat

* * *

"We could put the baby in a cooler, sedate him with cough syrup, tape it shut, put tiny holes in the top." Shane suggested. Lennon whacked him upside the head and shook her head as she stepped outside of the van.

"Tiny air holes!" Andy said agreeing with Shane "That's the spirit. You're a murderer, but you got moxie, kid. Now, where can we get a cooler?"

"Canada's off." Nancy said pressing end on her cell phone

"Why?" Silas asked as Nancy hit select that played a voicemail

"_Mrs. Reyes, this is Agent Lipschitz from the FBI. Were currently investigating a fatality, your husband said you and your children were on vacation. I trust you remained within the U.S borders, please give me a call when you get this. My number is-"_ Before the voicemail was finished Andy took her phone and smashed it against the steering wheel

"What the fuck?" Nancy whined watching her phone get thrown out the car

"They can trace us from towers! Phones, everyone" Andy shouted and demanded. Andy took out his phone and threw it outside the car. Silas dropped his on the floor and smashed it with his shoe. Lennon frowned and dunked her cell onto the floor.

"SIM card," Shane said taking it out of his phone and dropping it in his drink "Fried. Much simpler and less destructive"


	5. Brand New

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 5, _Brand New_

* * *

"I'm gonna shave my head." Silas said placing a beanie on his head

"Ooh, you'll be so hard core." Shane said "Maybe you should get a switch blade that flips out of a comb, or maybe you should just get a comb that looks like a switch blade so you don't accidently cut yourself."

"Shut up!" Silas shouted running and knocking Shane to the bed

"Lick my balls." Shane said grunting trying to fight back "Don't make me go Pilar on your ass!" Lennon walked out with a tooth brush in her mouth.

"Okay" Andy said as they fell off the bed and Shane took a punch at his brother "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Andy pulled Shane off of Silas "Okay… All is mellow." Andy grabbed socks off the bed and tossed them to Silas "Here… new socks. No, don't shave your head. Chicks like something to grab on to. Look for the remote maybe _Taxi Drivers_ on. Object lesson" Silas chucked the pack of socks at Andy "Okay, alright. That was me." Lennon continued to brush her teeth as Nancy walked in with a new wig on.

"Well?" Nancy asked

"Um..." Lennon murmured through the tooth paste and Nancy laughed

"No, no, no. That looks fake and hooker-y. Unless that's what you're going for."

"Shut up, I like it." Nancy said holding her wig on

"What's with the… um…" Lennon said making hand motions to the place Nancy marked a fake beauty mark. Nancy shrugged.

"New names, family, who we gonna be?" Andy asked

"I always hated 'Price' and 'Botwin' was so…" Nancy said giving her wig a little hair cut

"Hey, don't piss on 'Botwin'" Andy said

"I just hated always having to spell it." Nancy continued "B-O-T…"

"We need something meaningful, Metaphoric, Phoenix… Eric Phoenix" Andy said making arms like a bird "No, Clive… Steed… Clive Steed"

"No, total porn name, You want to choose a name that sound like your own so when people call you, you respond… I'll be… Shawn."

"Shawn… Newman… New-man" Andy said feeling a little proud

"Newman? Like Alfred E. or Paul?" Shane asked

"Like Randy. Short People" Andy said "Yes, I'll be Randy Newman! N-E-W-M-A-N. Heritage muddy, Jew? Can't tell"

"Nathalie. French spelling N-A-T-H, Silent H" Nancy said beginning to speak in a French accent "Nathalie Newman." Nancy looked down at Stevie "Stevie you're… Avi… Not that you know your name yet, but you will. I love that you sleep all the time. I know a mother's not supposed to say that, but I do"

"I'll be Mike." Silas said leaning on a window sill "Mike Newman."

"Okay, Mike." Nancy said in agreement

"Okay, Lennon, you next" Andy said looking over at her. Lennon walked out of the bathroom now free of tooth paste and brush.

"Elena"

"The Newman Family" Andy said slowly looking around

* * *

"Mike, will you hand me the salt?" Andy asked Silas using their new identities

"Sure, Randy." Silas reached over to the salt and handed it to Andy "Shawn, you gonna get a refill?"

"I don't think so, Mike. Nathalie?" Shane asked

"Uh, Mom is fine." Nancy said looking in her compact mirror "Elena?"

"Just fine" Lennon said taking a sip of her glass

"Newman's, hand me your old I.D's." Andy said as everyone got out their identification cards and handed them to him "ATM cards, library cards, everything with your old names on it." Silas took out his driver's license and stared at it with sadness. "Mike?" Andy asked "Driver's license?"

"Took me three times to pass the written test" Silas said

"Mike, honey" Nancy said putting a hand on Silas' shoulder

"No, I might need it."

"What you'll need Mike, is Mike Newman's driver's license, which could be a class A, D or M, meaning Mike's license will allow him to drive trucks and buses and motorcycles, which Silas Botwin's pussy license does not." Andy said pointing to the card in Silas' hand

"You want to be an ice-road trucker or not?" Andy said taking the card and putting it in the stack of the rest "Okay. Now, let a master get to work." Andy stood from his spot and walked away from the table. The group watched him walk into the restaurant's kitchen. Lennon placed her elbows on the table and put her head in her hands. Andy returned a few minutes later.

"Got the fake I.D guy" Andy said slamming the paper on the table

* * *

"Shane Gregory Botwin" Andy said holding up his school I.D "His school I.D from eight grade. A likable boy with sadness in his soul… Confused, frustrated, impulsive, we mourn Shane Gregory Botwin" Andy said tossing the card into the bin of fire. "And say _baruch haba_ to Shawn Oliver Newman." Andy said holding up 'Shawn's' I.D "May you live to see your dreams fulfilled. This is a driver's license, so, you should probably learn how to drive."

"Silas. _Yitgadal_, et cetera, et cetera…Silas Andrew Botwin, first born son, a green thumb, an open and willing heart… The best parts of you will carry forward, the rest we do will commit to fire." Andy said tossing Silas' driver's license in the bin. "And shit howdy to Mike T. Newman. No one knows what the T stands for…" Andy handed 'Mike's' license to Silas "_Mazel tov_. Here you go."

"Lennon Marin Chandler, one of the sweetest girls you have probably ever met. She had a kind heart and soul… but we have to say goodbye to her and hello to Elena Rae Newman." Andy said tossing her library cards into the bin and handing her Elena's I.D. Lennon took her I.D and smiled at it.

"Nancy Price Botwin" Andy said holding Nancy's I.D "Farewell, Pants, and all that you were. You had many pockets." Andy threw Nancy's license into the bin and took out Nathalie's I.D "And a warm, wonderful welcome to Nathalie Newman, with a silent H, dancer, mother, lover of the open road." Andy handed the I.D to Nancy.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Newman family" Andy said as the five of them raised their Dixie cups and drank them. "Good. Okay, hold hands." The Newman family held hands and made a circle around the fire bin. Andy started speaking in Hebrew.

"Let's go, we get it." Nancy said

"Yeah. Well, we're not in _minyan_ anyway."

"The Newman's will succeed where the Botwin's have failed. They will live a normal life. They will find jobs. They will… go to school." Nancy said looking at Shane and Lennon "They will have hobbies, they will live a quiet, under the radar life… The Newmans will be a family." Nancy reached into the pocket of the baby carrier and threw paper confetti over them. They all started walking back to the van.

"What if I'm having second thought about being Mike?" Silas asked his mother

"It's too late, Michael. We're out of hooter's gift cards."


	6. Climbing Up the Walls

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 6, _Climbing Up the Walls_

* * *

"This is good. It's grounding, it's a seedling." Nancy said leaning "From which we will branch out and flourish."

"The normal Newman's from normal town… And you really believe we can keep this up for any serious amount of time?"

"This is who we are now, this is us."

"What if you had gotten a real job after dad died?" Silas asked "And we could have skipped all this shit."

"We would have had to sell the house. Move to a very different zip-code." Nancy said "You, Shane, and Lennon would have gone to even lousier public schools."

"Doesn't sound so bad"

"You probably still would have knocked up a girl; maybe this one would have been blind instead of deaf or maybe missing a limb." Nancy continued "You would have struggled with your grades, smoked weed, dropped out, and gotten your GED. Your brother would still have rage issues. He would have lost his virginity and knock Lennon up."

"He would grow increasingly alienated, ended up stabbing the mail man or my manager at the Gap. We would have been in the exact same spot we're in right now." Shane came out with his little brother in a car seat and set him on the floor. Silas sat down on the motel chair and opened a jug of milk

"Shane, if mom would have worked at the gap instead of selling drugs, you think you still would have killed someone?" Silas asked

"Probably" Shane nodded as he sat next to his brother

* * *

Shane rocked his little brother with his foot in the car seat whilst reading the newspaper.

"Oh, boy" Andy said clearing his throat "I think your mom has now awakened all the hookers. Okay, hopefully, he should be asleep soon." Andy tied on a fully red bandana

"There's four bottles in the fridge, Changing stuff is on the dresser. Remember to cream his butt, so he doesn't get a rash. And you got to burp him every time to feed him. Your mom's gonna call in a couple hour's. She says don't leave the room. If you need any help Lennon's in the other room."

"Did you really just say cream his butt?" Shane asked still rocking his little brother

"I did." Andy said switching his attention to Silas "Mike, Time to go!"

"You really think it's a good idea? Leaving Pebbles with Bamm-Bamm?" Silas asked walking out of the room where Lennon is.

"No, but we can't afford childcare, and Lennon's in the other room so they should be fine. We have to take this small leap of faith. I'm encouraged because so far, the baby's never tried to have us all killed" Andy said opening the motel door and walking out

"Nice hat." Shane said chuckling "Let's practice. I say ding and you hop. Ding! Get me the remote." Silas picked up the remote and stuffed it in his pocket and left. "Shit! He just took the remote, Stevie. We're screwed"

"You poor thing" Lennon mumbled from the other room. "Be quiet I'm sleeping."

"Fuck this place. Let's roll." Shane said picking up Stevie in the car seat

"Wait. What? No, no, no, no. Nayna said to stay here." Lennon said rolling out of the bed

"Feel free to join us." Shane said ready to leave the motel room. Lennon groaned, grabbed her wallet and stuffed it in her back pocket.

"Let's go." Lennon said pushing him out the door and grabbing the baby's stroller.

* * *

Lennon watched Shane attempt to push the cart but it was going whacko. Lennon crossed her arms and saw one of the wheels come off. Shane picked it up.

"Piece of shit" Shane said talking to the stroller as he attempted to push it further.

"Maybe we should go to that baby store across the street maybe they could fix it." Lennon said taking Stevie out of the stroller and holding him.

"Good idea." Shane said trying his best to push the stroller across the street. Lennon followed close behind. Once they reached their destination they walked inside the toddler store and went straight to a worker.

"Hi, my stroller just broke not more than a few minutes ago and I was just wondering if you could fix it?" Lennon said walking up to the worker with Stevie in her arms as she nodded back at Shane who had the stroller. Shane handed the man the wheel.

"Yeah, it's really not worth it to fix it. You might as well buy a new one." The worker said handing the wheel back to Shane.

"What do you got?" Shane asked

"Well, we exclusively carry the Yippity line here. We got the Yippity sport, the Yippity deluxe, and our best seller, the Yippity dragon."

"How much is it?" Shane asked

"$800" the man said and Lennon's mouth dropped

"For a stroller? That's ridiculous." Shane said in disbelief "What do you have for 100?" Shane asked

"I've got the Yippity Sippity, that's the cup holder."

"A cup holder for $100 dollars?" Shane asked still in disbelief

"Look, I don't make these things. I just sell them."

"Living the dream"

"Yeah, kid, I bought my house at the height of the market, and now I'm squatting in it. Add to that my Scrabble depts. and my wife wanting, no, needing, the lap band, and I don't have time to dream." The sales man said getting a little frustrated "If you ain't buying, I'm going back to my online game." The man walked away.

"I only have 50 bucks." Lennon said bouncing the baby in her arms as Shane looked at the Yippity Dragon.

* * *

Shane has Stevie in a baby holder that is strapped to his chest and Lennon is sipping on McDonald's coffee.

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" Shane said walking across the street followed by Lennon.

"Um… what are we doing?" Lennon said as they crossed the street.

"High jacking this lady's Yippity Dragon." Shane said walking up to the green stroller and walked away quickly, Lennon close behind.

"What's that poor baby gonna sit in." Lennon said with a frown on her face

"That lady has arms."

"So do you." Lennon said

"Stevie deserves something nice."

"Okay, fine. But if your mother asks, we bought it." Lennon said pointing a finger at him as he took Stevie out of the baby carrier and out him in the stroller.

* * *

"What's with the spread?" Nancy asked walking over to the group that sat outside at a table.

"Silas bought food with the money he made sucking off an old man." Shane said looking at his mother.

"What?" Nancy looked at Silas

"Hotel guest, big tipper, bad eyesight, I read to him… in my underwear. I didn't touch him."

"See? He just read to him… in his underwear" Nancy said looking back at Shane "And the guy tipped him."

"Croquettes, Taste." Andy said handing meat on a stick to Nancy. Nancy took a bite and he took the stick back. Nancy nodded her head.

"Yummy."

"Yeah? How yummy? Like from one to ten. I need a 10, Nance, Nathalie, Nat. I need a ten, Nat."

"It's not really a breakfast food." Nancy said sitting down "I bet Avi want's some."

"Avi does not eat solid food yet." Shane said looking at his mom

"I realize that, Shane." Nancy said

"I better get him inside." Shane said starting to get up from his chair.

"I'll take him." Nancy said

"No. I'm in charge of Avi." Shane said blocking Stevie with his hand "You guys are a bad influence."

"What?" Nancy asked

"You don't mean me?" Andy asked pouring wine into the grill "I'm a paragon."

"How am I not a good influence?" Silas asked

"You wank wieners for cash." Shane stated

"I need to find a girl to have sex with." Silas said

"Smart move, Go cleanse." Andy said looking over at him as Silas rose from his chair and walked away.

"And how am I a bad influence? I'll be a mother in like… 8 or so months." Lennon asked. Shane was going to say something but paused. "Mmhmm, that's what I thought." Lennon said pointing a finger at him.

"I'm his mother, Shane." Nancy said looking down at Stevie

"Your job right now is to be a maid and to keep your husband from finding us." Shane said "My job is to protect Avi. Let's do our jobs"

"You're this close to being grounded." Nancy said putting a space between her thumb and index finger.

"You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer,"

"That's right."

"You're a bad influence because you're a _bad_ drug dealer."

"Okay, that's it, you're grounded." Nancy said as Andy face palmed and laughed

"Do you want to be grounded, too?" Nancy asked Andy "I happen to have been a great drug dealer."

"No. Really, if we look back on your illustrious career, 'great' is not the adjective that pops out at you." Andy said

"I had my moments"

"Sure you have," Shane said "Try not to get arrested today, okay?" Shane said getting up from his chair and taking Stevie with him into the motel

* * *

"Oh dear go. Soccer moms" Lennon said sipping on her red-bull. Shane pushed the brand new stroller that they 'bought' that held Stevie right down the middle of the benches that they were sitting.

"Oh, the Yippity, that's a nice one." One of the moms said.

"Yeah, I wanted thick tires and good tread for all the rainy days we have." Shane said stopping the stroller at the end of the bench.

"Didn't Savannah have the Yippity?" one of the moms asked the other.

"Stolen outside the Twist-n-Sprout by a bunch of crack heads" The other mom replied and Lennon laughed quietly to herself "Sit, sit, sit" Shane did as he was told and sat on the bench. Lennon walked over to Stevie, and made sure that he was okay.

"I'm Rebekah. This is our little mommy support group." Rebekah began pointing to the other mom's "Cheryl, Allison."

"Hi." Cheryl said

"Hi." Allison said after her

"You're little brother is adorable." Rebekah stated as Stevie smiled

"Oh, Avi's mine." Shane said looking back at Rebekah. Lennon choked on her drink slightly. "He's what happens when your school teaches abstinence only."

"Where is his mother?" Cheryl asked

"Right there" Shane pointed to Lennon and she choked a little bit more on her red bull

"Oh my god" Allison said as Lennon gave Shane a look that could kill. "Sit, sit, sweetheart." Lennon looked at her and sat next to Shane.

"Our lockers were next to each other's; we were in the same grade."

"Sadly another one is one the way." Lennon said rubbing her stomach and the mom's gasped "We can barely afford Avi but Shawn here wanted another one and I couldn't say no." Lennon looked over at Shane and smiled

"You have help, though, right?" Rebekah asked

"My mom, she's a maid, and we live in a motel." Shane said "Sometimes she drinks. But you can't choose your family, right?" Cheryl moved closer to Shane and gave him a side hug. Lennon thought this was the worst idea ever.

"You guys aren't alone anymore." Cheryl said looking from Shane to Lennon

"What are your names?" Allison asked

"I'm Shawn… and this is Elena." Shane said pointing from him to Lennon


	7. A Wolf at the door

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 7, _A Wolf at the door_

* * *

"My point is that apprenticeship is a lost art." Andy stated "Watchmaking. Cobbling… Ninja'ing. The mysterious lessons, Frustration, montages" Nancy walked into the motel room. Shane is feeding Stevie. Silas is sitting in on the bed reading a magazine while Lennon is lying on the bed next to him.

"And then, just as a pupil is about to give up, oh, the teaching coalesce. The hierarchy is challenged. Student surpasses the master."

"Andy's boss spanked him." Shane said to Nancy

"Spanking machine, technically" Andy pointed out "Nance, you're looking at the new sous-chef."

"Did you get a promotion?" Nancy asked in an excited tone as Andy torched his pot pie

"Yes." Andy said excitedly "I'm already mulling my Celeb-U-Chef catch phrase. I'm thinking 'That's almost too good!' with you go up on the 'too!' 'Too good!'"

"Well, who has two thumbs and was really good at her job today?" Nancy asked forming her hands into thumbs ups and pointed at herself "Me! I crushed it! Everybody loves my stuff. If the Eagle Scouts gave a badge for drug dealing, I'd have gotten it."

"The Eagle Scouts for boys." Andy stated

"Brownies, whatever" Nancy said "Anybody want a chocolate?" Lennon got straight up when Nancy mentioned chocolate.

"I need money." Shane said "Stevie doesn't have enough contrast toys. And Rebekah and Allison have these…"

"Who?" Nancy asked

"His so called _friends_" Lennon said stuffing her face with chocolate

"They have these teething necklaces. You did receive money for selling drugs today, right?" Shane asked

"Yeah, here" Nancy said getting out the money

"Me, too, Crème fraiche ain't cheap." Andy said

"I'll have a chocolate." Silas said

"Mike likes chocolate?" Nancy asked

"And money." Silas said as he took a couple chocolates but Lennon batted him away

"What for?" Nancy asked looking up at him

"Stuff, there's this class I want to audit at this college."

"You want to tell me what it's really for?" Nancy said not believing her eldest

"I am." Silas said getting frustrated "Don't worry about it; I just need the money, alright?"

"Okay." Nancy said handing the money to Silas. Nancy looked in her wallet and it was empty. Nancy looked over at Lennon. "I'm sorry, sweetheart; I'm all out of money."

"It's alright, I have everything I need." Lennon said shrugging her shoulders.

* * *

Lennon watched as Shane did yoga with the soccer moms. Lennon didn't like them and right now she didn't like Shane. What he's doing could risk Stevie being taken away from CPS. Lennon only followed along because than he'd be pissed at her.

"I'm telling you, the Cry it out movement is cruel and anti-intuitive. It's complete nonsense." Shane said doing the work out along with the moms. Allison stopped moving and exclaimed.

"I think I just peed myself a little." Allison said closing her legs and covering herself. Lennon laughed as she laid down on the bench, Stevie's stroller next to her.

"Have you guys been practicing you kegels?" Shane asked

"I still can't figure them out." Cheryl said

"We went over this. Just pretend your vagina is an elevator." Shane said stopping what he was doing and facing Cheryl

"Going down?" Cheryl laughed

"This isn't a joke, Cheryl. You want to end up wearing those Whoopi Goldberg pee-pads?" Shane asked as Rebekah went over to their little picnic.

"Come sit down. Join us for a snack." Rebekah said sitting down at their set up

"I'd love to." Shane said walking over to Rebekah "How are your kegels?"

"They're private, Shawn. Cheryl, Allison, won't you join us?" Rebekah said looking down "Elena? You can come over here, too." Lennon sat up and looked at Rebekah

"No, thank you. I already ate." Lennon said giving them a fake smile

"C'mon please? Just sit with us?" Cheryl asked. Lennon sighed, stood up, checked on Stevie then walked over. Lennon sat down next to Shane.

"What's going on?" Shane asked as the three moms gave them 'I know what you did last summer' looks

"Shawn, Elena. We know the truth." Rebekah said

"Truth about what?" Shane asked

"We know Avi's mother wasn't killed in Iraq." Cheryl said

"What are you talking about? I'm right here…" Lennon said looking at Shane in confusion. The last time she talked to them she was the mother of Avi in this giant lie.

"Shawn came to us when you weren't there and told us the so called truth." Allison said and Lennon smacked the back of Shane's head

"You're a fucking idiot." Lennon said getting up from her spot

"And we see that you're abusive and treat him like your errand boy." Cheryl said and Lennon glared at her

"I called my brother in law at the Department of Defense. There were no IED fatalities in Qahtaniya anywhere near the time you said she was killed" Rebekah said "So, why don't you tell us the truth or we could call Child Protective Services together."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Lennon shouted at Shane "What is wrong with you!"

"I'm sorry, don't yell. I can fix this." Shane whispered

"I bet she wasn't even in the army." Rebekah said

"You really think the military-industrial complex would let the real story get out?" Shane asked trying to save their asses

"I'm calling Child Protective Services." Rebekah threatened "Cheryl, phone." She demanded

"Great and maybe I'll tell them about Allison's little prescription friends. Not supposed to be driving with a child in the vehicle on those, are you, Ally?" Shane asked "And, Cheryl, I'm not sure how they'd feel about a woman who still let's her 5 year old breastfeed."

"Cheryl?" Rebekah asked her in disbelief

"And, Rebekah, you don't need anyone looking into your visa status of your housekeeper do you? What is she? Honduran? Guatemalan? Don't fuck with me, bitches" Shane said standing up. He looked at Lennon who had been already standing. Lennon shook her head and walked towards Stevie and began walking back to the hotel. Shane close behind them.

* * *

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me how awesome college is?" Silas said sitting down across from Shane and next to Lennon.

"Cause we were never gonna go. It would just mean, like telling a blind person how awesome colors are." Shane said taking a bite of his food.

"Shut up. I may not be academic smart, but I'm smart." Silas said "I started my own business. I read"

"To old dudes in your underwear" Shane stated

"That's it, you're going down." Silas said picking up and pickle and pointing it at him. Lennon took a drink of her water.

"That what the old man said?" Shane smirked and Lennon laughed. Silas threw the pickle at him and Shane blocked it with his hand "Catlike reflexes."

"Perfect, considering you're a total pussy." Silas said

"Tell that to Pilar." Shane continued to eat and the two looked at him

* * *

"Who's the blonde?" Allison asked across the restaurant "Is that his brother?"

"Please, they look nothing alike." Rebekah said whilst spying on them "It's most defiantly Elena's."

"I bet they're doing it with each other." Cheryl said

"I don't think so; Elena and him looked like they were together. But whatever they're relationship is they are clearly not equipped to raise a baby. "Oh my god they just spilled croutons on his blankie. What if he's gluten intolerant?"

"What's gluten?" Cheryl asked Rebekah

"Shut up, Cheryl." Rebekah said as Cheryl picked at bread "No bread."

* * *

"I was getting into trouble while you were still wetting the bed." Silas said leaning over the table

"Yeah, stealing video cameras and knocking up your deaf girlfriend. Gangster" Shane said Lennon raised her hand to remind Shane that he knocked her up too. "Face it, Silas, we're hard core and you're PG-13"

"What's your point?" Silas asked

"You're the blonde sheep of this family. I think you were adopted." Shane said simply and Lennon rolled her eyes

"I wish that would be awesome" Silas said waving his hand in the air while the water came by "Check, please?"

"You going to work?" Shane asked

"Fuck the hotel." Silas said picking up his glass of water "I'm going back to school."

* * *

Andy and Nancy walked in and shut the door behind them. Andy tossed the plastic bag to the floor and took off his jacket.

"What's wrong with you?" Shane asked Andy as he flopped on the bed opposite of him.

"Your mom won't release me." Andy replied to his question

"We have to leave Seattle." Nancy said picking up Andy's jacket

"Okay, why?" Shane asked as Lennon went to sit in a loft chair

"Because Uncle Andy was starting to find his own thing, we can't have that!" Andy said

"We're on the run now, honey. That's what we do."

"And Silas fucked up with the license plates." Andy said as someone knocked on the door. Nancy walked over to the door and opened it.

"Yeah?" Nancy said wanting to know they were at their motel room.

"Are you the grandma?" Rebekah asked Nancy. Shane hopped off of his spot from the bed and Lennon had a mini heart attack

"Ooh shit." Lennon said

"You cunts followed us?" Shane said coming up to the door

"Excuse me just one second." Nancy said shutting the door and turning towards Shane and hitting him upside the head "We don't use that word."

"Grandma?" Shane asked

"No, 'Cunt'… or 'Grandma' we don't use either. Can you deal with whatever this is?" Lennon laughed when she said they couldn't call her 'Grandma' since she'd be one in 8 or so months. Nancy gave her a look that could kill.

"Don't forget I have the power." Andy said

"I know you do." Nancy said as she put her cardigan on and picked up her purse

"Where are you going?" Shane asked looking back at her

"To get money and a car, or to take a train to some quaint New England seaside village and leave you all for good." Nancy said checking on Stevie "I haven't decided which." Rebekah pushed on the door to see inside the motel room

"I drink too sometimes." Cheryl said to Nancy to comfort her.

"Randy here will answer all your questions." Nancy said pointing to Andy and walking out the door

Nancy ran into the motel room and straight into the bathroom was Andy was showering. Lennon watched her zoom by her.

* * *

"Andy we got to go, now!" Nancy said pulling open the shower curtain and looked down

"Can't help but to be impressed, huh?" Andy asked knowing what she was looking at "Whoa, were you in a fight?"

"Where's Shane?" Nancy stomped her foot a couple times

"I sent him to the vending machines for fleeing snacks."

"Out now. Dry. Go. Bring Stevie and Lennon." Nancy ran out of the bathroom and shut the door.

"What's going on?" Lennon asked while Nancy opened the door

"Ask Andy." Nancy walked out the door to see Caesar looking through motel room windows and she ran back in and shut the door "Shit!" Nancy exclaimed and began to call Shane. "Shane, wherever you are, hide!" Nancy put her phone down. "Lennon, go in the bathroom."

"What? Andy's in there." Lennon refused and stood up

"Get in the bathroom, now!" Nancy shouted and Lennon ran into the bathroom and Nancy followed her. "Andy stay in here with Stevie and Lennon! Don't come out!" She said while locking the bathroom door and shutting it. Nancy attempted to call Silas but he didn't answer "Shit!" She screamed "Silas drive away, Danger." Nancy said leaving a voicemail and repeating the word 'Danger'. Nancy pulled a crossbow out from under the dresser. Nancy reached for the door holding the crossbow. When a woman she worked with burst through the door with a large man behind her that knocked Nancy down.

"Now this is just depressing." The woman said

"There's a very dangerous man." Nancy tried to explain but she didn't listen "You ripped my ear. Now I can't wear earrings. When you ain't got no hair, that's your flair"

"Yeah, bitch have ear flaps now." Said the man behind her, There was a knock at the door

"Open up. Sheriff's Department ," a man said through the door

"Sherriff? Shit." The large man said

"Hello! Wait! Hello!" Nancy said

"Shit." Said the man running into the other room

"Quinton, what the hell are you doing?" The woman asked

"I have a warrant." Said Quinton

"What?" the woman asked "You dumb motherfucker." The knocking continues. Nancy put the cross bow in the green stroller and covered it with a baby blanket

"One second." Nancy yelled. The woman glared at her and set her purse down. As soon as Nancy answered the door the woman began to act like a maid. "Hi."

"That's her, that's the grandma." Said Rebekah pointing at her, there was a deaf woman with a translator

"I'm with King County Child Protective Services. Is there a male infant living here?" The man translated the woman. Nancy was confused and about ready to have a heart attack

"Andy!" Nancy yelled and the man translated what she was saying to the deaf woman

"Where's Avi? And where's Randy? That asshole promised me a baby." Rebekah said while Andy came out of the bathroom naked holding Stevie, Lennon came out short after.

"Oh, yes." Andy said playing with the baby "He peed on my pee, we crossed streams."

"It was horrifying to watch." Lennon said looking at Stevie. Andy realized strangers were watching him so he held Stevie in one hand and covering his dick in the other.

"This looks weird." Andy whispered to himself. Nancy's phone began to ring.

"Excuse me just one second." Nancy turned to Andy "Will you handle this. Please handle this." Nancy answered her phone "Hello? Shane! Where are you?" Nancy walked into the other room followed by the woman she worked with. The couple was fighting about something.

"Now look bitch…" Nancy cut her off

"Fuck off!" Nancy screamed at her "Shane?" she asked walking into the bathroom "Shane? Shane?"

"Open up bitch." Latrice said banging on the bathroom door

"_Mom, the fucker's got me_." Nancy listened through the phone and she collapsed on the floor leaning against the door. Latrice continued to bang on the door which pissed off Nancy more.


	8. I want to fly

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 8, _I want to fly_

* * *

"There we go." Andy said placing the baby in the crib

"Whose baby is this and why did you pee on it?" The man translated

"No, we crossed streams. It's… our pee intersected. I did not get it on the baby." Andy explained and Lennon face palmed. "Most of the pee did not get on the baby." Andy walked to the side and attempted to put his pants on

"Look were very capable of creating a nurturing, infant-friendly environment" Andy popped back out into sight and zipped his zipper "The arrow in the closet is purely decorative." He pulled on his shirt on "This is baby Avi, He belongs to my son, Shawn and my daughter-in-law, Elena." He said nodding at Lennon

"You said you didn't have kids." Rebekah said

"Stepson, He is."

"I thought you weren't married." Rebekah whined

"Right. Nathalie!" Andy yelled for Nancy

"Answer, answer, answer" Nancy repeated trying to call back Shane. Cesar picked up "Where are you?"

"_Bring his son, I bring your son_. _Then we trade. A shoe for a shoe_" Nancy listened. Latrice banged harder on the door.

"I wanna speak to Shane again" Nancy said

"_No. Time to listen_." Cesar said though the cell phone

"Hang… Fuck!" Nancy yelled and opened the door. Nancy wrapped her arm around Latrice's neck and brought her into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet. "You're too loud." Nancy whispered to Latrice.

"_Drive east on 90._" Cesar continued to speak "_I'll call you back in 20 minutes and make sure you pick up_."

"Okay, East on 90, Okay." Nancy said hanging up

"Bitch you're going to get your teeth bent back." Latrice grunted

"Yeah, my son's been kidnapped. I can't fight with you right now." Nancy said letting her go and handing her a wash cloth. Nancy walked out.

"And then the termites surrounded the foundation and devoured the porch, and so that's why we're living here now."

"Where's the baby's father now? Shawn is it?" The man translated as Silas walked in

"He's um…" Nancy tried to speak as Lennon went by everyone else with Stevie in her arms.

"Who're you?" the translator asked Silas

"Who the fuck are you?" Silas said in sign language and English

"Oh. Oh, I miss Megan." Andy said confused at first at how Silas knew sigh language.

"Where'd you get such a dirty mouth?" the deaf woman asked in sign language

"Where'd you get such saggy tits?" Silas said back at her

"I should clean your mouth with soap."

"Blow me"

"This is my other son, Mike, and we need to be somewhere really important right now. So if we could just…" Nancy said with her voice breaking about to burst into tears

"Come to my office for a follow up." The translator said "We'll need to see some documentation. Bring the Father… and the Mother." The woman said looking at Lennon

"Tomorrow" the woman spoke and handed Nancy a card

"Tomorrow." Nancy agreed as the started to walk away, Rebekah looked back at Andy.

"Call me" Rebekah said

"That was a close one." Andy sighed

"Cesar's got Shane." Nancy said walking out of the motel room.

"Son of a bitch" Andy whispered and Lennon went straight to getting Stevie dressed and putting him in his car seat.

* * *

Nancy took a swig of the small bottle filled with vodka.

"_You've reached the voice mailbox of – Esteban – Please record your message._"

"Hi, uh, it's me again, Boy am I sorry I ignored your calls. Uh, I see now that that was really wrong, and I'm so sorry for no…" Nancy stopped when Andy hit the window wiper button, Nancy turned it off. "…picking up the phone and talking to you directly. I'm so sorry." Andy turned on the radio and she turned it off

"It was really wrong, you must have felt awful. Um, I'd love to talk to you about it and apologize directly and I'd also love to talk to you about Shane. You knew that was gonna catch my attention, Boy, you were right. You got it. " Andy turned on the AC "Kidnapping your baby boy's brother? Really? Solid move, _padre_ of the year, shitty fucker" Andy signaled her to stop making hand motions

"You macho cowboy..." Nancy paused "Asshole." She whispered softly "So, hope to hear from you soon. I'd ask Shane to disable the caller ID, but, oops, he's been kidnapped… So, um, please… call this off. Please call me back. Okay and I'm… I'm sorry." Nancy ended the voicemail and glanced over at Andy who was putting mascara on his face

"Would it be worth… having a hypothetical discussion on what would happen if we gave Stevie…?"

"No. That's insane." Andy said

"What are you doing? Is that my mascara?" Nancy asked taking glances from the road to him

"War paint, you're gonna need back-up." He said continuing to put it on his face

"Yeah, you're not coming with me." Nancy said

"Of course I'm coming with you."

"You look like Rum Tum Tugger." Nancy pointed out

"Yeah, Hey, Cesar and I have a rapport. He's got his icy stare I've got my melty eyes… we're frenemies."

"Just what if, what if. I'm not saying we actually do it. I'm just saying what if… 'cause think about it, I could go to college, get a degree. Shane could, I don't know, become one of those good serial killers who only kills other serial killers? Lennon could raise her kid like a normal person with Shane and go on online classes."

"Okay" Nancy said looking in the review mirror to look at Silas "No, I'm listening"

"What would be so terrible? Hypothetically, Parallel Universe, A boy and his father… we could stop running." Silas said trying his best to convince his mother

"Stevie's your brother." Andy said looking back at him and Lennon looked out the window

"Stevie's a time bomb."

"Okay, I can do this, Nancy." Andy said facing her with his war paint on

"You're dropping me off, you're gonna find a public, crowded restaurant. You're gonna wait there. You're gonna eat something." Nancy said not taking no for an answer

"Well, at least take the car" Andy said

"No, you're keeping the car. Keep a distance… stay safe." Nancy hit answer on her phone.

"_There's a museum up ahead_" Cesar said through the phone

* * *

"I'm a sinewy beast, very back up worthy." Andy said wiping the mascara off his face with a napkin

"What do you think she's doing?" Silas asked worried for his mother. Lennon shrugged.

"Negotiating" Andy said making hand motion with the napkin

"It's been ten minutes; I'm starting to feel panicky." Silas said putting his hands in his lap

"She's a lone wolf, always has been. Nothing we can do about it"

"Well, we can't do anything here." Silas said as his cell phone chimed

"What is it?" Andy asked as Silas picked up his phone.

"Kimmie sent me her boobs." Silas said showing Andy and Lennon the photo on his cell phone

"Wowser" Andy said as he tried to reach for Silas' phone but he yanked away

"Yeah, too bad you gotta ditch her." Lennon said sipping on her water

"Sorry. Let's go." Andy said "Shane's our Shane too; we don't have to do everything she says. We're Team Newman."

"We could hide in the bushes she wouldn't have to know." Silas said in agreement "But we'd be her insurance. Just in case"

"Yeah, right after we eat…'cause we'll be useless on an empty stomach" Andy said

"Hey, I didn't agree to anything." Lennon said setting her drink down

"Too bad, you're coming anyway." Andy said to Lennon

"Coffee?" the waitress asked

"Yes, please." Lennon pushed her cup toward her

"Fill her up" Silas said handing the waitress his own cup. The waitress filled their cups and walked away off to another table.

"We should call her." Lennon said nudging Andy. Andy pulled out his phone and dialed her up.

"It's ringing but she's not picking up." Andy said

"Maybe she's trying to call us." Silas said

"Yeah, we should keep the lines free." Andy said hanging up

"Yeah" Silas agreed as he speed dialed Kimmie

"What are you doing?" Andy asked

"I've got to call this girl before she freaks out- Hey, traffic's a mess… I think there must be a Mariners' game or something but I'm gonna be there in a bit for sure. Okay." Silas said than he hung up

"Why don't you just tell her you're not coming?" Lennon asked

"Because she'll get pissed and want her car back" Silas replied and she nodded

"Where the heck is my French toast" Andy exclaimed and Silas sighed. Lennon watched Andy get up and catch up to the waitress. Andy stopped dead in his tracks to see Ignacio with Shane and Doug. "And we're dead." Andy walked back to the table.

* * *

"Try calling for him." Lennon suggested in a whisper. Andy looked behind him

"Pittsburg." Andy exclaimed in a whisper, but it didn't get Shane's attention. "Pittsburg" Andy repeated. Andy pretended to cough and said "Sammy Davis Jr." Silas nudged him to stop "Fuck." Andy exclaimed softly. Andy picked up a straw and started shooting spit balls at Doug.

"Maybe we should call mom again." Silas said

"I can do this; you don't think I can do this?" Andy turned back around and fired another spit ball at Doug. It hit him but Doug didn't pay attention "Okay, I'm going in… this time no broom. Just fists… sinew… Andy-meat" Andy patted Silas on the back and looked at Lennon "Whatever happens, don't try to save me."

"Are you sure?" Silas asked

"No." Andy said getting up from his seat and walking toward the bunch. Lennon chewed on the end of her sweater sleeve while she watched Andy go. Ignacio stood up from his seat; Andy stumbled and took a swing at him. Ignacio sneezed. "Bless you."

"Sit down, please." Ignacio said

"Okey-doke" Andy sat down and Lennon face palmed. Silas tried to grab the baby and escape with Lennon but he caught them

"And you two." Ignacio said pointing at Lennon and Silas. "Bring the little one." Lennon took the baby from Silas and walked over, Silas behind her.

"Hey Silas, Hi Len" Shane greeted the two. Lennon set the baby down under the table as Silas slid in the booth next to Andy. Lennon gave Shane a quick kiss on the lips.

"You okay?" Lennon asked and he nodded

"You, grab a chair." Ignacio demanded. Lennon did what she was told so she grabbed the nearest chair and set it in front of the table "Sit." He said and Lennon sat down

"Silas, Lennon, what's up?" Doug said but Silas and Lennon just nodded at him.

"Oh, hey there, Your French toast is ready… Or did you want to eat with your friends?" The waitress asked. Ignacio was standing next to her so when he opened his shirt to reveal a gun she didn't see it. Lennon turned around to see what the good had in his shirt and she turned back around so quickly it made her sick.

"Yeah" Andy said and Ignacio closed his shirt.

"Can I go to the… um… bathroom... It's uh… I feel kind of sick." Lennon asked Ignacio as he sat next to Silas.

"No." Ignacio said getting up close to her. Lennon looked at Shane with a scared expression on her face. Lennon wasn't easily scared but when she found out Ignacio had a gun she was.

"It's fine, she has baby sickness." Shane said reassuring his friend. Ignacio looked from Shane to Lennon.

"Go." He said giving her permission; Lennon smiled at Ignacio and placed her hand on the table to help support her. The nausea was really getting to her. Lennon walked two feet and stumbled. Shane watched her getting ready to get up and help her

"I'm… fine… just woozy" Lennon said looking back at Shane, Lennon tried to walk further and decided against it. She stumbled back to her seat and sat down.

"You should drink some water." Andy suggested softly and Lennon shook her head. Shane slid his glass of water in front of her while Ignacio took out his phone and began to call Cesar.

"Drink" Shane demanded

"It'll just come back up."

"I don't care, drink it." Shane said pushing it closer. Lennon gave in and took sips of the glass.

"Come on, Cesar. Where are you?" Ignacio said speaking into the phone while it rings "He drives like my grandmother. On her left hand she has two ring fingers" Ignacio said to the table

"How does that affect her driving?" Silas asked

"It's just a fun fact." Ignacio stated

"Maybe he's just having trouble getting mom into the trunk." Shane said and Ignacio laughed. Lennon stomped on his foot under the table "Ow! What was that for?"

"That's your mother, asshole." Lennon said feeling a little better "I really hope this kid doesn't get your sense of humor. Eyes… hair… That's fine… just not that."

"Shane." Nancy said her voice breaking walking in view of them. Everyone looked back to see her. "My son... and he fed you!" Nancy smiled walking closer

"Nachos…Yum!" Shane scooted closer to Doug so his mother could sit next to him. Nancy slid into the booth next to Shane and sighed "I feel so…" Nancy couldn't finish. She laid her head down on Shane's shoulder

"Mom, are you okay?" Silas asked softly his voice breaking to.

"Where's Cesar?" Ignacio asked Nancy

"Um…" Nancy mumbled letting go of Shane

"Cesar" Ignacio repeated

"You should have seen me, I was heroic." Andy said taking a bite of his French toast while Lennon chuckled at the thought of Andy thinking he was heroic

"Cesar had an accident; he's in the hospital… You should go and visit him" Nancy said "So now I'm going to take my Shane and my Stevie and I'll be going… We'll all be going, Doug you can come too."

"You alright there, Doug" Silas asked looking at Doug who looked starved and sweaty

"There's the stupid kid, He's such a fucking jerk." Doug stared at the boy who was wasting food and giving it to the waitress to dump. Stevie started crying and Ignacio began to reach under the table, Lennon was about ready to swat him but Nancy intermitted

"Ah, I have a gun pointed at your scrotum" Nancy said holding a gun under the table. Ignacio pulled away from the baby.

"Well, I have a gun pointed to your lady scrotum." Ignacio said as he took out the gun from his shirt and hid it under the table. Lennon scooted back and looked under the table to see they weren't lying

"Oh, great…ha" Lennon said to herself making sure her legs weren't near the guns. The waitress came up behind Lennon.

"What do you want?" She asked holding a pen and paper ready to take their order.

"Uh, nothing, Water" Nancy said keeping eye contact with Ignacio

"Lemon wedge" The waitress asked

"No, water, ice"

"Oh… were out of ice." The waitress said

"How can you be out of ice?" Shane asked

"The ice machine broke." She replied and Lennon sighed loudly leaning back into her chair.

"Okay, then lemon." Nancy said

"So, no water" The lady asked

"I'll have a steak sandwich side salad and a strawberry shake." Doug ordered

"Doug, not the time" Nancy said

"A very intense starring contest is going down… so if you could just come back in maybe a couple minutes that'd be great" Lennon said looking back at the waitress while Doug slammed his head down on the table.

"Doug?" Andy said softly and the waitress walked away

"Come on, Ignacio" Nancy said "You really think you can successfully transport an infant 2,000 miles by yourself?" Ignacio said 'yes' in Spanish.

"What exactly does a 3 month old eat?" Nancy asked

"Chicken, crackers"

"Incorrect."

"Well, maybe you come with me." Ignacio suggested

"We both know that's not gonna happen." Nancy said while Ignacio looked under the table and laughed

"Your hands are shaking, you're not gonna shoot me."

"I will."

"No." Ignacio uttered

"I could."

"Don't get me wrong, you're a toughie, but this?" Ignacio told Nancy and tapped his finger "No. So, why don't we discuss more about our plans?"

"He's right, you're not gonna shoot him." Shane said looking at his mother

"I will if I have to." Nancy spoke

"But you don't have to" Shane said taking the gun from his mother's hand into his. Nancy stared at him.

"Your father's a psychopath… great… prefect" Lennon said to her unborn baby rubbing her eyes and then groaned

"You gonna put a bullet in me, _mi hijo_?" Ignacio asked and Shane cocked the gun

"What do you think?" Shane asked and Ignacio's face morphed into a smile

* * *

"Follow your dreams, _mi hijo_." Ignacio said patting Shane on the shoulder in front of the restaurant. Ignacio pulled him into a hug and kissed him on the cheek "Follow your dreams." Ignacio said walking away and driving off. Shane waved him goodbye and walked back inside the restaurant.

* * *

"Hey, it's me." Silas said through the phone "Yeah… your car got stolen… Also I think we should see other people." Lennon heard female screaming come out of the phone and Silas hung up. Silas banged his head on the table multiple times.

"It's okay; she looked like the type who would've cheated on you." Lennon said moving next to him in the booth and rubbing his back

"That's supposed to make me feel better?" Silas asked raising his head to look at her.

"Yes." Lennon smiled as Shane sat across from them. Nancy walked back to the table

"Time to go" Nancy said tapping on the table and walking out

* * *

"Seattle was a bust." Nancy said steering the car

"You gonna listen to me now?" Andy asked from the back seat

"Yes."

"Why?" Andy asked

"You're the guru of off the grid." Nancy stated

"I'm the guru of off the grid. You've got me right here in this care with you." Andy said "You lucky woman, you… So, are you gonna use me? You gonna accept my wisdom and experience, Are you gonna let me take the lead? "

"Andy-"

"Randy" Andy said correcting Nancy

"Randy, I cede the reins to you, the expert, the guru, the one who will lead us in a safer, more untrackable direction."

"Thank you! It's a great honor. It's an honor that I don't take lightly, to protect, to guide…" Andy tried to finish but Nancy cut him off

"Just fucking lay it out." Nancy said getting a little frustrated

"Fine, fine, here we go. To quote Bill Maher, new rules" Andy continued "Rule one, keep moving, We need to widen the gap between us and our aggressors. That means at least another 24 hours on the road." Lennon groaned and laid down on the car floor.

"No stopping. No exceptions, except gas and potty. Hardcore. Rule number two, this one is key, no social interactions. We go way underground and seal ourselves off… I'm talking Bin Laden, the Unabomber, That guy Sly from Sly and the family stone."

"Who?" Silas asked

"Exactly" Andy spoke "Nance, how's this sounding?"

"Great, movement, isolation…" Nancy answered

"Okay, anyone have any questions so far?" Andy asked around the car

"Can I switch spot with someone?" Lennon asked from her spot on the car floor

"You can move on our next stop" Nancy said

"Anyone else" Andy asked

"Yeah" Doug said "Do I get a road trip spirit name?"

"No one's chasing you." Shane stated

"Are you kidding? I owe Dana thousands in child support." Doug said

"How about Ted" Nancy suggested "Or 'Coward who led a car of Mexicans to Seattle"

"Ted works."

"Silas, you okay back there?" Nancy asked looking into the review mirror

"Yeah, I'm great." Silas said his voice full of sarcasm

"We'll stop soon." Nancy reassured him and Andy hit her seat multiple times

"Just for lunch! I promise, that's it, Then back on the road. Off the grid, Bill Maher"


	9. Take My Breathe Away

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 9,_ Take my Breathe Away _

* * *

"We should take the Lewis and Clark Trail." Shane suggested "It's goes from Washington State to Washington D.C."

"Why do you know these things?" Silas asked deleting message from his phone

"I'm an autodidact." Shane stated "Also, there's a brochure up front."

"No historic trails. We gotta think more unpredictably." Andy said "Now, when I trekked across Alaska, we only took even-numbered highways and avoided all suspension bridges."

"That baby doesn't look Mexican." Doug said taking a bite of his pot pie

"Yeah, he's half. But mom doesn't like us mentioning it that." Shane pointed out

"Well, when she comes back from the bathroom she can complain about it." Silas said as Nancy walked back to the table in new clothes and set down her purse to show them a poster.

"No, bad idea" Andy said immediately

"What? This family needs some fun." Nancy said trying to convince him

"Way too many people" Andy stated

"Come on, who's gonna spot us in the middle of Montana?"

"Okay, you just put me in charge. Momentum, seclusion, Andy's plan"

"He's right; this doesn't seem like the smartest idea right now." Silas said supporting his Uncle

"I can't believe I have to convince you guys to go to a giant carnival." Nancy said in disbelief "Look! There's a rodeo! ... And a roller coaster"

"I'm all for it." Lennon said sipping on her water

"There we go! Lennon wants to go." Nancy said getting more excited

"Really?" Silas asked his mother and she nodded with a big smile on her face

"Wait… what's going on?" Doug asked looking up from the Rubik cube.

"That was Judah's thing. Roller coasters" Andy said with his arms crossed

"Really? Oh, I thought he was kidding, when he said he designed those." Doug said

"What did you think he did for a living?" Shane asked looking over at him

"Never really cared" Doug said truthfully

"Remember the one idea he had where the seats flipped, so you didn't actually go upside down." Andy said "Oh, and davit Bowie was pumped into the headrest."

"Lightening Frightening" Silas said and Andy laughed

"Didn't he keep a model of it in the garage?" Lennon asked

"Yeah," Shane said "And he always took us to that one at Six Flags like every other weekend."

"That settles it, we're going." Nancy said setting the poster down onto the table

"Nance-"

"For old time's sake" Nancy said cutting him off "Plus, Shane has been kidnapped, it was very traumatic… Being kidnapped" Doug scoffed

"He seemed to be just fine with his buddy, Ignacio." Lennon said leaning back in her chair

"I wouldn't know." Doug said his voice dripping in sarcasm

"Two hours, tops." Nancy said to Andy who groaned "I want everybody to clean up before you get back in the car. Change your shirts and your underwear." Nancy tossed a couple packs of underwear on the table. "Hygiene, still important"

* * *

"You need to keep your hat on at all times." Andy said pushing Stevie's stroller next to Nancy "These places have tight security, cameras, and undercover police." Andy pointed at a bearded lady "That bearded lady over there, not a lady at all"

"Safety, we got it, relax."

"Relax? You're a squeaky field mouse headed into a bear cave, except the cave is a swarm full of people, okay? And the mouse is your own ego. Wait, the cave is the… You get my point"

"Ego, ego" Nancy said

"Yes, willful defiance. Because I laid down rules, but you had to break them."

"I am here because I don't want my kid to miss out on his entire fucking childhood, okay? It's just fun."

"See the way I held that gun at Ignacio?" Shane asked his brother while walking and holding Lennon's hand as she sipped on coffee "He caved like a coal mine. Fucking _payaso_ amateur"

"Shane, get over yourself. No one cares." Silas said as Lennon groaned at the sight

"You're just jealous." Shane said simply

"Of what?" Silas asked

"That mom likes me better now." Shane replied and Lennon shook her head

"Pinwheels and Whirligigs! Get your Pinwheels and Whirligigs!" The carny shouted "Five for 10 dollars. It spins it whirls, it's a hee-haw, fire-cracking whirligig!" Nancy stopped and looked back at Shane

"Wow, do you want one?" Nancy asked

"Sounds lame" Shane said and Nancy looked back at the carny

"Nope, Thanks though. Have a good day." Nancy said walking away with the rest of the group behind her

"_First prize in the 21__st__ Annual Butter Sculpture Contest, luxury motor home, Win her today, drive her home tomorrow._" The man talking into a mega phone said "That's right, folks, a luxury motor home. Win her today, drive her home…"

"Remind me again where were supposed to be sleeping tonight." Silas said

"Doug, watch the baby." Nancy demanded and walked over to the luxury RV followed by everyone but Doug and the baby

"Yeah, don't worry about me, Assholes." Doug said as they walked away.

* * *

Nancy stepped into the RV followed by everyone else.

"Wow!" Nancy said looking around the luxury RV while gasping

"This thing's insane." Shane said close behind Nancy still holding Lennon's hand

"We could live here. We should live here. Should. We should live here." Silas said

"Kitchen, living room, bedroom, we could set up a little nursery." Nancy said looking at the place getting all excited

"Oh, is that Corian?" Andy said walking over to the counters in the small kitchen

"We wouldn't have to stay in crappy motels. We could stay at national parks, up in the Mountains. Anywhere" Silas said as Shane let go of Lennon's hand and flopped on the RV couch

"Plus, we need to dumb Cesar's car." Nancy stated

"Yes, black town car. Classic bad guy mobile. Very conspicuous" Andy said

"Andy" Nancy said smiling big and coming up behind him "Win this."

"On it" Andy said and Nancy jumped with excitement and walked out of the RV

"So what, it's like a contest? Butter sculpting?" Silas asked

"Yeah, I have no idea but I'm a consummate contestant." Andy said and Lennon walked into the back bedroom and flopped on the bed "I win shit all the time. Trust me, it's in the bag."

* * *

"You sure you don't want to play, Len?" Nancy asked tossing blue golf balls in a pool full of small circles with Shane.

"I think we've established that the last time we all went to a carnival that I sucked at the games." Lennon said watching them play the carny game.

"Doesn't mean you can't play" Nancy said as she got a ball into the hole "Ha!"

"I'm good, I think I'm going over there where the giant stuffed animals and buy one to make it look like I actually won something." Lennon smiled and walked away

"Was it cool, shooting someone?" Shane asked tossing the balls into the targets

"No, it wasn't cool. How many times do I have to tell you? Violence isn't cool." Nancy said as they both ran out of balls

"Are you mad at me?" Shane asked

"No, I'm not mad."

"You sound mad."

"I'm not mad." Nancy said "I'm worried that you're becoming…"

"Like you?"

"What? No, that's not…"

"We're the same."

"Okay, don't try to tell me what I am, alright? I know what I am. I've been what I am a lot longer than you've been what you… maybe are." Nancy wrapped her arm around his shoulder and walked with him

"And even if you are 'Like me' you're still a boy. Smart, so smart, but a little lost. And, Shane, listen, it's my job to make sure you don't turn out to be a psychopath, okay?"

"So if that means dragging you to some amusement park or slapping you on the head every time you say 'cunt' or 'bitch' or 'motherfucking cunt'… I'm gonna fucking do it, okay?"

"Because I'm still your mom and I haven't finished trying to be your mom, okay?"

"Understood?" Nancy asked

"Yeah" Shane replied, Nancy smiled and kissed his forehead. Lennon walked back to them with nothing.

"They said that I can't buy the damn bear, I have to win it." Lennon said coming up behind them and they turned around

"Sorry, honey." Nancy said

* * *

"This line is ridiculous, can't we just cut?" Shane said

"What did we just talk about?" Nancy asked

"Cursing, violence" Shane replied

"Respect, self-control" Nancy corrected

"I just think outlaws don't wait in line."

"Outlaws also don't refer themselves as outlaws. Just FYI." Nancy said

"So, what now?" Shane asked

"We wait." Nancy said and Lennon groaned. A kid behind them spilled their drink all over Nancy's foot.

"Oh, honey." The woman said that appeared to be the mother.

"How much fucking government-subsidized corn we can grow on that land?" The father said "In fact we don't even have to grow it and they'll pay us."

"Mom, mom, mom." The kid said as the mother wiped his face

"One more, one more" The mother said

"You two having a good time?" Nancy asked looking at Shane and Lennon

"Yeah" Shane said and Lennon nodded

"We should do more things together." Shane suggested to his mother

"We should, your dad would have liked that" Nancy said in agreement

"Do you miss him?" Shane asked. Lennon was eyeing the coaster, she always had anxiety that the roller coaster would break when she first got into the seat, but when the coaster hit the middle of the ride she had a blast.

"Yeah, I do, yeah. But what are you gonna do?" Nancy said as they moved forward. Lennon watched the family behind them cut a major size of people

"Uh, Mom" Shane said to his mother as he watched the family cut

"It's no big deal; we'll all get on eventually." Nancy said

"That totally just cut." Shane stated

"I know but they're idiots. People in line are gonna get pissed and they're gonna end up at the end of the line where they belong." Nancy said as a young carny came up to them and stopped counting

"Sorry, folks, ride's closing." The carny said "We open tomorrow at 10 if you wanna come back."

"You've gotta be kidding me." Nancy said to the carny

"Midway closes early on Wednesdays for maintenance." The carny said

"Well, look, my late husband, this young man's father and her god-father, was a roller coaster designer, so it's kind of a family tradition." Nancy said trying to guilt trip the carny "And what's three more people?"

"If I let you on, I'd have to let everyone." The carny said

"Right" Nancy said as the carny walked away "Wait here." She said while walking over to the family that cut

"I'm coming." Shane said and walked behind her. Lennon sighed and walked close behind them

"Excuse me." Nancy said tapping on the father's shoulder

"What?" he asked turning around

"I believe that you were behind me in line." Nancy said

"No" The guy said

"Um, yes" Nancy stated and the guy turned around. Nancy looked at the family they cut. "You guys aren't gonna say anything? This man just cut right in front of you"

"It's okay" The woman said that was behind the guy

"Look, lady, we're not breaking any laws." The father said turning back around

"So, it's unacceptable and rude." Nancy said turning away "Not to mention crappy." She walked to the next person who was behind her in line "Excuse me." Lennon and Shane followed her

"What about you, big man, you were behind me in line." Nancy said coming up to a big biker guy and his wife "This guy cut in front of us. Come here, come here." Nancy grabbed his arm softly and dragged him to the guy that cut "You gonna let him do that?" Nancy asked "You're gonna let him do whatever he wants and walk all over you?"

"Fuck no." The biker replied

"Fuck no!" Nancy repeated

"Hey, Bruce, get the fuck out of line, you cutter." The biker said to Bruce

"Lick my balls, Jimmy, You're just mad 'cause I thought of it first." Bruce said turning around to face Jimmy

"Hey! That ain't right!" A woman in line yelled at Bruce

"Shut it, Sandy." Bruce said

"Hey! You don't say 'Shut it' to my wife!" Sandy's husband shouted

"She was my wife first." Bruce stated

"Oh shit." Lennon said loving what she was seeing

"Been there, done that. I traded up, Ned!" Bruce said

"Fuck you!" Jimmy said while shoving Bruce

"Kick his ass!" Sandy shouted "Get in there, honey! Kick his ass!"

"Yeah? Jimmy" Bruce said

"Yeah! Kick his ass!" Sandy shouted again. Nancy shoved Lennon and Shane away from the fight and walked up to the front of the line. Soon they were next and the people piled into the coaster seats. Nancy and Shane sat in the very front and Lennon sat right behind them attempting to hide her anxiety.

* * *

"Don't smile, you have to try things the right way first," Nancy said to her son "Then, and only then, incite a crowd, whatever." The roller coaster started to go "Don't tell Uncle Andy we cut the line." Nancy said looking from Shane to Lennon.

"Oh dear god" Lennon said quietly to herself, holding onto the bar for dear life.

Soon after the roller coaster reached its end and Nancy laughed having the time of her life. The bars let go of the people and Lennon immediately got out. Lennon ran over to a bin that was near the roller coaster seats and plunged. Shane and Nancy got out quickly and came up behind her.

"Hey, honey, are you alright?" Nancy asked rubbing her back.

"I don't think baby liked that." Lennon said wiping her mouth, now standing

* * *

"How was he?" Nancy asked as Doug came up to her with Stevie in the stroller

"Great. Napped most of the day" Doug said "And you were right about those bird sounds. Sleep, chirp, sleep, chirp" Nancy raised an unopened baby bottle

"Doug." Nancy said

"What? I didn't do anything." Doug said taking the baby out of the stroller

"It's still full." Nancy stated

"He wasn't hungry." Doug said simply

"Irresponsible, Doug. He's a baby, He needs his bottle" Nancy said taking the baby from Doug and handing him to Shane "Jesus Christ, it's like I have to do everything myself." Nancy walked away, back over to the passenger door

"Thanks, for today." Shane said to his mom and she smiled

"I love you." Nancy said "But get in the back."

"Are you mad at me?" Nancy asked Andy who was in the front seat. Lennon, Doug, Shane and Silas sat squished in the back seat. Doug had Stevie in the baby carrier that was strapped to his chest.

"Yes, I'm mad at you." Andy said "I was giving you the silent treatment."

"C'mon, you had fun." Nancy said

"Okay, I had a little fun." Andy admitted "But you stole my power, undercut my authority within seconds of giving me the reins."

"Now you're back in charge." Nancy said as Doug rummaged through her purse to find tampons. Shane looked over and gave Doug a weird look

"Yeah, why don't I believe that?" Andy asked himself "Oh, right because last time you said it, you took a six hour detour."

"Today was something I _needed_ to do." Nancy said and Andy attempted to ignore her "Please, Andy?"

"Keep heading East on 80. I'll see if I can find us a new route." Andy said picking up the map.

"Hey." Silas scoffed at the sight outside of the car "Check it out." Silas said signaling to the luxury RV that the contest judge was driving. He waved.


	10. Civilian

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 10,_ Civilian _

* * *

"Pastor Jim's TV's back there." The RV seller said giving them a tour. "He had speakers installed… There's plenty of storage." The seller opened a closet that was loaded with sex toys and leather. "And this would be his."

"This belonged to a Pastor?" Lennon asked in disbelief and the seller nodded

"All included with the price." The seller said closing the closet

"Great." Nancy said "So it runs okay?"

"Oh, Yeah, of course." The seller replied "He didn't want to get stranded out there during one of his missions."

"Ooh, nice mirror on the ceiling." Doug said coming into the RV bedroom

"What's with all the hooks?" Silas asked

"He put in a swing right before his arrest." The seller answered "Embezzlement"

"Been there" Doug stated

"Would you consider a lower offer?" Nancy asked

"I'd consider anything that gets it out of my life." The seller said

"Nance," Andy said opening a curtain to reveal a washer.

"Sold" Nancy said looking back at the seller and they walked out of the RV

"When do we get it painted?" Andy asked hopping out of the RV

"I'm thinking we buy some cans of spray paint on the way out of town," Nancy replied "Just flat black."

"Nice. Well, I'm gonna finish up. I'll lead in the God-mobile, you follow." Andy said as Shane stepped out of the RV with Stevie and Nancy gave him a thumbs up

"Are you getting read of Cesar's car?" Shane asked walking with her mom

"Yes." Nancy said

"Can I have it?" Shane asked

"No"

"But a lot of kids get cars when they get their license."

"The car is stolen, your license is fake"

"But I know how to drive."

"Shane, I said no." Nancy said "Besides I'm thinking of setting this car on fire. I haven't decided yet."

"Well, can I drive it at least once before you set it on fire?" Shane asked "Please? I got kidnapped."

* * *

"If you kill us, I will find a way to revive you and me so I can kill you myself." Lennon said sitting in the back with the baby.

"I seem to be doing just fine." Shane said

"So, when…" Nancy watched Shane drive perfectly fine

"Ignacio had me take him on errands" Shane said simply "Drycleaners, Costco, a shakedown at Jamba juice… We gonna sleep in that thing tonight?"

"Tonight and the rest of our lives on the lam" Nancy replied with a sigh "I just need one more washer, if I could keep them going around the clock, I can produce enough product…"

"So, hey, you think I'm smart, right?" Shane said interrupting his mother

"Yes, of course!" Nancy replied

"So, I probably don't need to go back to school. I could just test out."

"No… Maybe. You know if you asked me a week ago, I would've said absolutely not. But to tell you the truth, high school blows" Nancy said

"It's overrated, and you're really not suited to it, anyway. Lennon would've been just fine if she wasn't pregnant with your kid. But you're right; we need an alternative plan, one that's more suited to your path."

"Cool." Shane said "But I don't want to be homeschooled, though."

"Oh, no, I think I've tried that and unfortunately you learned all the wrong lessons." Nancy said and the car went silent. Nancy watched the RV get pulled over. "Pull over here, just past the curve." Nancy demanded her son

"Fuck that, this is our shot. We have everything we need," Shane said driving past the RV "The baby and the hash stuff in the trunk. A full tank of gas. Come on, they're holding us back and you know it."

"Glad I didn't ride in the RV." Lennon said crossing her arms

"Yeah, right here's good." Nancy said signaling for Shane to stop the car

"Mom, they don't have the balls for this. Besides, we're just making their lives miserable. Come on, cut them loose, let them go home."

"Awe, thanks, love you too." Lennon said getting a little depressed that only they can go home

"Okay, 10 points for chutzpah" Nancy said "Pull over her before I grab the wheel, or your hair, or both." Shane sighed and pulled over

* * *

Lennon immediately got out of the car when they reached their destination. Nancy and Shane got out a couple seconds after her, and Doug, Silas, and Andy got out of the RV

"Well this is interesting." Nancy said looking around

"You said deep underground." Andy reminded

"Where did you hear about this place?" Nancy asked

"Legendary in the off grid community" Andy replied "No signs for it out on the road. You didn't notice? The locals keep taking them down, so no one finds out about it. This is some deep outlaw shit"

"Is it a ghost town?" Shane asked

"No, it's all fake." Andy said pointing at the old western looking buildings "See? These are just fronts. They shot old westerns here"

"What about electricity and running water?" Nancy asked

"Moving in or just visiting?" An old, tan, Barbie looking woman walked up to them

"Oh, Jesus Christ" Lennon said taking a sight at the woman

"Moving in" Andy replied

"Sunrise Lane's open, Number 14. Down near me." The woman said pointing to the piece of paper that Andy looked at "Left after the horseshoe sign. I'm sugarpop, who the reverend?"

"That'd be me" Andy said shaking sugarpop's hand

"Mmm, well, it's good to meet you, Reverend." Sugarpop said shaking his hand and letting go "Social hour's at 7 at the dry goods and feed store. B-Y-O-B. All are welcome." She said while walking away

"Wow" Silas said "Sugarpop's some deep outlaw shit."

* * *

"Everybody, come on, Up off your asses." Nancy said knocking the gay porn out of Doug and Andy's hands. "Put this crap away" Nancy knocked off a CD player on Shane "Organize your new home." Silas groaned and Lennon sighed patting on Shane's legs in signal for him to move them off her lap. "Now!" Nancy yelled

"No, water, Nance. We're dry." Doug said

"Yeah, the shower doesn't work, either." Shane said sitting up

"Or the toilet" Andy said as Nancy reached for the bathroom door

"I wouldn't recommend opening that. Doug left a gift." Silas said

"That wasn't me." Doug said

"You had the monster burrito." Shane stated

"You had the oatmeal, you little prick." Doug said

"When was somebody gonna tell me this?" Nancy asked

"We need water to make formula." Shane stated

"Go." Nancy said as she wacked Doug's back with a porn magazine "Get me water. Get me another washing machine." Nancy wacked Andy "Get it done! Don't come back till it's finished!" Everyone ran out of the RV but Nancy.

"Wow, your mother really needs to get laid." Doug said

"What makes her so special?" Andy asked "Who among us does not need to get laid? You don't see us getting all grumpy. We rule. She sucks! But let's go, Let's go do her angry bidding so she doesn't hit us" Andy and Silas walked off in search for a washing machine while Doug, Shane and Lennon walked off in search for water.

* * *

"Give her six minutes, if she's not done by then, you go in and club her to death and you go get the hose." Doug whispered to Lennon and Shane while watching Sugarpop water her plants

"What are you going to do?" Lennon asked looking up at Doug

"I'll be watch out." Doug said

"Ooh! Gotta pee!" Sugarpop said turning off the water and running into her RV

"Go, go, go, go, go, go, go" Doug whispered. Shane ran in and got the hose and stuck it into their RV water route. Lennon stood by the water knob and turned the water on. Once they were done Lennon turned it off and Shane dropped the hose back where it was.

"Nice to meet you" Simon said shaking hands with Andy

"I'm Mike." Silas said greeting Simon as Doug ran back into the RV followed by Lennon and Shane.

"Marvin! What are the chances of you being here?" Doug said looking at Simon "This is great"

"Simon" Nancy corrected

"U-Turn?" Doug asked looking back at Simon

"Simon" Nancy repeated

"This is my brother Shawn, my sister-in-law Elena," Silas said introducing everyone to him. Simon shook Shane and Lennon's hands "and our family friend, Ted." Doug fist pumped with Simon

"All right, I'll get going. You guys have a good day." Simon said leaving the RV

"See ya." Andy said waving him goodbye

"Sorry, man, they all…" Doug tried to speak but Shane cut him off

"Mission accomplished. We have a full tank of water." Shane said walking into the bathroom

"I'm in there when you're finished" Doug said

"Want something done? Ask a busy person." Doug said sitting on the booth chair as someone was hitting the RV with a bat. Nancy lifted the shade so she could see who it was then she set it down.

"Doug, where'd you get the water?" Nancy asked

"We high jacked it from Western Barbie." Lennon said flopping on the couch "Doug's idea." Nancy sighed and opened the RV door to speak with the man.

"You people got a little fucking confused!" The man who was hitting the RV said

"Really? How so?" Nancy asked

"Taking my grandmother's water!" He shouted "That wasn't your water!"

"Barbie and Ken had children?" Lennon asked

"Who the fuck are you anyway?" he asked "I never heard of 'God is Awesome"

"We must've made a mistake." Nancy said

"I'll say you made a mistake, you made a big mistake!"

"What's your name?" Nancy asked

"Keith."

"Okay, Keith," Nancy said stepping out of the RV and shutting the door "Would 10 bucks help? "

"I've got to go back to town now to the KOA to refill, and its 23 miles away!" Keith stated loudly

"How about 20? 20 is a lot of money for water."

"Yeah, 20. No, 40! Fucking 50!"

"Keith! My son! Forgive us!" Andy said busting through the RV door looking like a priest

"No, fucking, no" Keith said backing away "What are you?" Lennon was just about done; she was face down in the couch dying of laughter

"I'm Pastor Randy; this is Nathalie, leader of our choir"

"Well, god hates me." Keith said "My grandma says I'm going to hell for everything that I did, so if you think I'm gonna listen…" Keith was cut off

"I just reached my limit of deep outlaw shit, so…" Nancy said climbing back into the RV grabbing her shoes "Good luck to you, and I'll see you later." Nancy walked out of the RV and left them. Andy walked away with Keith with act.

"That was awesome. I like this place." Lennon said sitting up

* * *

"He should have been baptized." Sugarpop said handing Andy a load of cash, and then handing it to Doug "It was a mistake I have regretted my whole life."

"Would you like to add onto our special mobile home blessing?" Doug asked "99 dollars, Day of baptism. New clients only" Andy looked up at him signaling for him to stop as Sugarpop shook her head

"Assistant Pastor Ted will come and get you when we're ready." Andy said standing up by Doug

"Thank you, Thank you so much." Sugarpop said

* * *

"What are you doing? No! Not now." Andy said coming out of the bathroom in full on Pastor Mode. "Get dressed, cover up this shit. Come on they'll be here 's Silas?"

"Went to borrow a pool" Doug said shopping hash "Hey, can I eat this?"

"No." Shane said as Doug ate a piece of hash

"Put away the hash, get dressed, gather up all the Jesus crap, and meet me outside." Andy demanded "Get your shit together! It's almost show time." Andy walked out of the RV

* * *

"Son of Christ God!" Andy shouted holding Keith in the blow up pool "Welcome into heaven happily our son Keith, child of the lord, flower of the field."

"Praise him!" Doug shouted

"Help our son be washed clean," Andy said while Lennon was having a ball "Wash him of his sins like river currents. You holy word swooshing over him!"

"He is risen! Yes! Hallelujah" Doug shouted

"Wash anew." Andy said dunking him in the pool water with help from Doug. Every one cheered and Keith got out of the pool and went straight to Sugarpop

"I'm saved, granny!" Keith shouted and Sugarpop hugged him

"Praise Jesus!" Sugarpop shouted while Shane was collecting money with Stevie strapped to his chest

* * *

"$483" Shane said counting the money in the plastic jar

"Jesus!" Andy shouted

"Name of the Lord in vain" Doug said pointing at Andy. Andy mumbled and Doug looked at the cupboard door. "Oh my god, it's him." Doug stood up by the cupboard "He heard you. It's Jesus." Andy leaned in and squinted at it from his chair "See? Look! The nose, the eyes, the mouth, the beard"

"It's a door, Doug, you're wasted."

"You know I got to say, I think the Holy Spirit was actually moving through me" Andy said "Those words I said, I don't know where they came from. Maybe I am Him with a capital H, Who's to say? Jesus was a Jew" Andy dipped a chip in salsa and ate it

"Don't get that dirty. I've got you scheduled for a memorial service at 9 in the morning, a baby christening at 10:15, and a remarriage ceremony at 2 in front of the saloon" Shane said while taking out a wad of cash "And I got down payments for all of them."

"Score!" Andy shouted

"Let's just do what we need to do here and move on, okay?" Silas said "I don't want to be here forever."

"Fine. Antsy Pants" Andy said while Silas sat next to Lennon on the couch

* * *

"Whore!" A woman said banging on the RV. Lennon fell off the couch startled by the banging as Nancy sat straight up in the bed.

"What the fuck?" Lennon said looking around her surroundings

"Piece of shit slut whore!" The woman shouted again. Nancy walked out of the bedroom and stepped out of the RV, leaving the door open while everyone woke up.

"Oh, there you are! Good morning!" The woman said her voice dripping with sarcasm

"What's going on?" Nancy asked

"Hey, cut the crap." The woman said to her kids that were fighting "Did you have a good night?" Nancy looked confused but realized what was going on

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah. Did you have a good time fucking someone else's husband, whore?" The woman asked as The man Nancy slept with walked out

"Kids." He said as Shane, Silas, and Lennon walked out of the RV

"Daddy!" one of the little boys said

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's go." He said picking his son up

"Wait, aren't you going to introduce us?" His wife asked "I'm Spot, and this is Jack. Sound familiar?"

"What a bitch." Lennon said to herself

"Sorry." Jack said holding back Spot

"Sorry? Did you just really fucking say that to her?" Spot asked yanking away from him and pushing him

"Kids, get in the truck." Jack demanded as some of the towns people came to see what was going on "Let's go, roll up the windows. Get in the truck, come on."

"Is this the location for the memorial service?" A man asked from the group all dressed up

"Oh, fuck yeah!" Spot shouted and Jack grabbed her again "Yeah, led by the whore of Babylon. Husband fucker!" Spot got out of Jack's grasp and was about to jump Nancy but Jack grabbed her. Shane jumped in front of his mom to protect her as Doug and Andy came out of the RV

"He wasn't wearing a ring!" Nancy stated behind Shane

"Okay, okay, enough." Andy said walking in his Pastor robe "My brethren, My flock. Let's meet down the road a bit, shall we? I'll be there in a minute"

"I'm not saved!" Keith shouted busting out of his RV in his underwear "I did meth today! I'm so high! I feel awful! And great!"

"You are liars." Sugarpop said coming up beside Keith "You were supposed to clean his soul! Liars! Fakes!"

"Oh dear god" Lennon said crossing her arms

"I want my damn money back!" The man from earlier shouted tossing stuff at the RV and everyone joined in on the yelling. Everyone ran back into the RV and shut the door while everyone banged on the RV and Andy drove away.

"Oh, I hope he was worth it." Andy said steering the RV with Nancy in the passenger's seat

"He got the job done." Nancy said turning around "I want to see those washer's going 24/7 this family's gonna make hash. Lots of it" Nancy turned on the radio "Won't that be nice."


	11. Silhouettes

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 11,_ Silhouettes_

* * *

"Nebraska"

"Only state with a unicameral legislature" Shane said "The birthplace of Kool-Aid."

"Not something you learned online, come on." Nancy said looking at Shane "Six days, what did you see?"

"I saw a nun driving a pickup truck."

"Okay, better, Keep observing." Nancy said "Let the road be your school. Watch, listen. What's that smell?"

"Stevie" Shane said

"Oh. Go change him." Nancy demanded

"I always change him." Shane stated

"No, I sometimes do, don't I?" Nancy said

"Do you even know what size diaper he wears?" Shane asked

"I'll figure it out." Nancy said going to change Stevie

"What happened to your arm?" Shane asked Doug

"I dropped my keys in the porta-potty, tried to get them out. There was a raccoon in there. Punched him out"

"Shane?" Nancy asked while he was driving the RV

"Yeah?" Shane said while Lennon rummaged through the fridge

"Is there something you want to tell me about Stevie's… poo?" Nancy asked

"You mean that green color?" Shane asked

"Yeah."

"I figured it was normal. Why? Is something wrong?"

"It's like… radioactive with gross, stringy things in it" Nancy said

"Do you think he ate some hash?" Andy asked

"Did you feed him some hash?" Nancy asked

"No! No."

"Silas, Lennon, and Shane, they pooped weird colors but not green" Nancy said "And not at this age. No I want a pediatrician"

"Oh, like legitimate on the grid?"

"I know what you're gonna say 'It's too risky' and 'ride it out' I know all the reasons why. Insurance, the forms, our shitty fake ID's"

"Yeah"

"Maybe I'm overreacting. Okay, you know what, you look at it. You tell me. Go ahead." Nancy said handing Andy the diaper and he looked at it.

"Okay, we need to see the doctor." Andy said handing it back to Nancy

* * *

"Okay, sell as much as you can we need gas money." Nancy said holding the RV door open, talking to Doug, Lennon, Shane, and Silas. "Silas you're in charge. You two listen to Silas. Doug stay in your tent"

"Ten-four" Doug said

"Silas" Nancy said as they began walking "Really, you're in charge."

"Phish, Dave Matthews" Silas said standing in front of a 'So many vibes, Jam Band Festival' Poster

"O.A.R" Shane continued

"A Widespread Panic tribute band call Run Squirrel Run" Silas said

"Might as well call it 'All you can smoke Festival" Shane said as Lennon pulled an earplug out so she could hear what was going on. A man slid in a new concert poster where the original was and it read 'The Zoobie Woobies' "How the hell are we gonna sell hash at a kids' concert?"

"Actually, this might be okay." Silas said

* * *

"Mom! It's starting we're gonna miss the bubble machine!" A kid yelled holding onto her older sister

"Just one second honey!" The mom yelled back "Give me that shit." Silas handed her the bag and She gave him the money

"Thanks enjoy the concert." Silas said putting the money in a plastic cup

"$25" Shane said across the road dealing to some guy with Lennon by his side

"I thought you said 15" The guy said

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't" Shane said

"I'm confused" He said

"We're done here." Shane said and he walked away

"Great job" Lennon said sarcastically clapping her hands after she put her IPod away in her bag

"Hey" Silas said and they all began walking "Maybe I should sell and you should sit over by that tree with Lennon."

"Come on, he flaked" Shane said as he stopped walking and stood in front of Silas

"That's the third sale you've balked." Silas stated and handing the cup with money in it to him "Have a seat, guard the safe."

"What?" Shane asked

"You heard mom, I'm in charge." Silas said and Lennon ignored the two

"Because you're older"

"Because I am more responsible and have better interpersonal skills. You freak people out."

"We don't have to do whatever mom says, you know." Shane stated and Silas scoffed

"Okay, how do you propose we get gas money?" Silas asked

"I don't are, I want to drink beer and eat stadium food." Shane said "You're not my boss."

"You're right." Silas said "I'm not and I have very little desire to be, so, you know what? You lead." Lennon gave Silas a look

"Really?" Shane took the cup as Silas nodded, Lennon rolled her eyes

"Where to?" Silas asked as Shane put the cup in his open backpack

"Follow me." Shane said as he began walking. Silas took the cup filled with money out of his backpack and put it in his as Lennon smiled and followed after them

* * *

"I can sell you beer but you can't drink it inside the stadium." The seller said holding 'Mike's' ID

"Silas, you want peanuts? I'm buying." Shane said putting a bag of small peanuts on the bar

"Sure. Peanuts, please" Silas said to the seller and Shane looked back at Lennon

"You want anything?" Shane asked Lennon and she shook her head, she'd just high jack Shane's popcorn anyway.

"That'll be $20 even." The seller said

"Rip-off" Shane said as he set his backpack on the bar to get to the cup

"Just pay the guy." Silas said

"Fuck." Shane said rummaging through his back to find the 'missing' cup of money

"What?" Silas asked

"It's not here." Shane said

"What's not here?" Silas asked and Lennon laughed silently to herself

"The money" Shane said obviously

"Shane, you said you'd put it in there."

"It's gone."

"Are you fucking kidding? I gave it to you." Silas said "Did you zip your bag shut?"

"I think so." Shane said stuffing his face with popcorn

"Stop eating the popcorn!" Silas demanded

"Guys, we got a line." The seller said watching the scene

"I'm really sorry but-" Shane tried to say but the seller cut him off

"Look, little dude, Pay for the popcorn or I will blow this rape whistle and then I will punch you." The seller said holding a tiny purple basketball whistle

"Here" Silas said handing him his own money

"Thank you for your patronage" The seller said

"You owe me 20 bucks." Silas said to Shane as they walked away from the stand "You owe mom 400."

* * *

"Keep looking." Silas said while Shane rummaged through the dumpster. Lennon gave Silas a look that said 'you're a horrible person'

"I can't find it, it's not in here." Shane said "We're gonna have to retrace our steps again."

"There's nowhere else to look. We checked all the trash cans." Silas stated "Somebody probably threw it away it was in a plastic cup."

"Which was not my idea" Shane stated as Silas tossed his cup into the dumpster

"Hey!" Shane shouted

"Sorry."

"Give me my beer." Shane demanded and Silas picked up the cup that contained beer

"Give me five bucks." Silas said while taking a sip

"How about a Panini?" Shane asked holding one up

"Find the cash, you get a beer." Silas said "Maybe it's under that dead bird."

"How about you give me my beer, and I don't tell mom you're applying for college." Shane said leaning on the inside of the dumpster. Lennon's mouth dropped and looked at Silas

"What are you talking about?" Silas asked

"We live in 8 square feet of space, you're reading 'Huck Finn' we have no more secrets."

"Don't touch my shit."

"It's cool, do what you want." Shane said continuing to rummage through the trash

"It's a contingency." Silas said "In case Mom decides to drive us in circles for the rest of our lives. Now, whatever. You're telling me you don't have a back-up plan?"

"No, the road is my school now. This dumpster is my classroom. I'm learning from this wasted Panini" Silas stood up and put his bag on his shoulder

"Okay, you follow your path, I'll follow mine." Silas said picking up the bucket of popcorn "Come one, we're never gonna find it. And I need another beer."

"Soviet beast drives 4 miles to the gallon. Mom's gonna kill me." Shane said hopping out the dumpster

"Well, then you better find her some gas." Silas said handing him his backpack. Lennon shook her head and took Shane's hand. Silas handed him his beer and Lennon pouted as they began walking.

* * *

"Take responsibility for your actions." Silas said as Shane held a tube that was connected to a car's gas pump. "Be a hero."

"Yeah" Shane whispered attempting to suck in the gas but gagged "I can't, I can't, the fumes. I'm gonna be sick."

"Silas, come on, this is stupid." Lennon said sitting down next to Shane and rubbing his back. Silas ignored her

"The whole family is depending on you." Silas said

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." Lennon said to Shane

"Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it." Silas chanted and Shane began to suck the air from the tube to receive gas. "Grab the car's nut sack." Gas squirted out and Shane pulled away and stuck it in the empty popcorn bucket. They all exclaimed

"I'm a hero! I'm a hero!" Shane shouted

"Yes!" Silas shouted back

"Wow, okay then." Lennon chuckled as Shane took a sip of his beer and frowned

"I can't taste my beer anymore." Shane whined

"You did good." Silas said

"Thanks." Shane said and smiled

* * *

"Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, go like this." Nancy said to Shane and breathed on him. Shane did the same "Oh, nice, somebody had a good time. I'll deal with that later"

"Uh, I lost the…" Shane said as Silas handed his mom the cup with the money in it

"400 give or take." Silas said

"Nice work, nice work, Silas." Nancy said looking into the cup

"Must've fallen out of your bag when you left it unzipped, so anyone could reach in and take it" Silas said to Shane

"Uh-huh, asshole" Shane said as they piled into the RV.

"So what's next?" Silas asked sitting at the RV table with Shane and Lennon. Shane leaned on Lennon and she wrapped her arms around him while kicking off her shoes. "Another concert? Pioneer city part two?" Nancy didn't answer "Mom?"

"Copenhagen." Andy said feeding Stevie

"But one more stop first." Nancy said getting into the RV driver's seat

* * *

_A/N: Alright! Done posting so far, there's a shit ton I still have to write. I'll be posting on a schedule sometime soon so... ha :)_


	12. Turn it Back

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 12,_ Turn it back_

* * *

"Doug, hurry the fuck up." Silas said kicking the bathroom door "I gotta go." Shane was napping on the couch with his legs on Lennon as she read her comic books. Nancy was in the passenger's seat and Andy was driving.

"Hang on, bro, I got a Mudslide coming" Doug said from inside the bathroom

"Bullshit, you're smoking in there. Come on." Silas said as Shane woke up

"Just pooping, lit a match to mask the stench." Doug said

"That is not poop, that's hash."

"Not fun in here. Not having any fun." Doug said pretending to grunt

"How smart is it to go back to your hometown when everyone's looking for you?" Shane asked

"We sell hash; we go were the customers are." Andy said "Dearborn is crawling with Arabs."

"Also not a bad place to score a fake passport" Nancy said looking back at Shane

"Isn't it a little racist to assume all Arabs have access to fake passports?" Silas asked sitting down at the table, playing with Stevie

"It's also racist to assume all Asians are bad drivers, but they are." Nancy replied "Andy's gonna make friends, hook us up."

"How about I sell the hash and you get passports from the radical Muslims?" Andy said looking over at her "I got a Jew face."

"Oh! Wait, turn here. I think it's on the next block." Nancy said directing Andy

"The Fake Passport Depot?" Silas asked

"No, my friend Lainie's house, it's where I hid every time I ran away from home" Nancy replied "Alright, here it is, here, on the end of this corner, right here." Andy pulled up to the corner to find a stip club/adult store

"We should go in and see if Lainie's home." Silas said walking up to the front of the RV

"Ooh! Strip club. I'll put my sweat pants on." Doug said coming out of the bath room

"Why can't we just find some place to park and stay in the RV?" Silas asked

"Trolling around in Little Beirut in the Jesus wagon might bring some unwanted attention." Nancy replied

"Yeah. We need a nice crappy American car around here so we blend

"And we sleep where?" Silas asked

"What about Mr. Schiff?" Shane suggested

"Who?" Doug asked

"The math teacher she boned in high school." Shane replied

"Bullshit. That never happened." Nancy said

"Do you remember where he lived?" Shane asked

"Uh, by the park on Maple" Nancy said simply

"He boned her." Shane said to Doug

"It wasn't an admission." Nancy said

"Who the hell knows where their high school math teacher lived?" Shane said sitting down at the table

"He won't even remember me." Nancy said

Andy pulled in front of Mr. Schiff's home and Nancy got out and rang the doorbell. Mr. Schiff came out and they talked but no one knew what they were saying.

"It definitely happened." Shane said as everyone watched out the RV window

"Gross." Silas said

"Hey. Never confirmed" Andy said

"They had sex." Doug stated

"Yeah… you can just tell." Lennon said

"Okay, so, Aaron is your brother." Mr. Schiff said

"Brother-in-law, Andy." Nancy corrected

"Andy, Andy, right." He said

"Steven is your friend."

"Doug." Nancy corrected

"Doug? Doug, yes" Mr. Schiff faced Shane "And… Oh shit!"

"Shane." Shane said

"Shane. Shane…uh…" Mr. Schiff looked at Silas "Midas?"

"Silas" Nancy corrected

"Silas! Silas. And the baby is the baby" Mr. Schiff looked at Lennon "The god daughter… um…"

"Lennon." Lennon said smiling at the man

"So, you're sure you're okay with everybody staying here?" Nancy asked Warren

"Okay? Nothing would give me more pleasure." Shane gave Silas a look and Lennon held herself back from laughing "What's mine is yours. Except that telescope, don't touch the telescope. Nobody touched the telescope, okay? Or goes into the room over there, you can try, but it's locked"

"Hey, nice massage table" Doug said

"That's my bed." Warren stated "I sleep face down in the little hole, take pressure off the cervical nerves."

"You have a lot of cool stuff in here." Shane said playing with a pair of sun glasses

"I got it all from SkyMall. I'm hooked on that catalog." Warren said

"That stuff is bullshit, I once ordered the extra tall carry on back and it was too extra tall to fit in the overheard compartment, so, they made me check it. Then the airline lost the bag and when I asked for a refund they said that I should have bought the electronic suitcase locator, so I bought that and when it didn't work, they said I should've bought the extra-long life recharger, so I bought it and when it exploded they said I should've got the surge protector so I bought that" Doug said

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Silas asked

"What's with the JC mobile out there? You're not born again or anything?' Warren asked

"No" Andy said "We lost our faith a long time ago."

"Oh, well, you lost something here a long time ago, too, didn't you?" Warren asked Nancy while laughing. Nancy laughed with him nervously and Lennon giggled to herself

"Uh, Doug, RV, Sell it now." Nancy demanded

"Why do I have to do it?" Doug asked

"Andy and I have errands to run." Nancy replied

"Right" Andy said remembering

"Listen, uh, is everything okay with you guys? Because I'm sensing a little trouble" Warren asked

"No, everything's fine." Nancy said "But if anybody asks, I'm Nathalie, Shane is Shawn, Lennon's Elena, Doug is Ted, Andy's Randy, Silas is Mike, and the baby is Avi. Clear?" Warren nodded

"What the fuck is that?" Silas said coming into the kitchen where Lennon and Shane were.

"I don't know, some mind… thing" Lennon said watching Shane while shaking her head

"Shut up, I'm concentrating." Shane said focusing on a blue ball

"It's a telekinetic obstacle course." Warren said leaning on the counter "It measures theta waves like an EEG it's kind of lick shock therapy. Not that I've ever had that."

"It's not moving." Shane stated

"Stay focused." Warren said

"So, Mr. Schiff, what was my mom like as a teenager?" Silas asked from the couch

"Well, uh, she got straight A's in math." Warren chuckled and Lennon rubbed her eyes "An amazing gymnast and dancer. Oh! We used to have this talent show where all the kids would choreograph these numbers and make money for the prom, and Nancy stole the show. I mean, she outshined everyone including the older girls. She designed her own costume, which was this metallic, lavender, leotard thing… which was so… Excellent" Silas shot a weird look

"You wouldn't have any pictures would you?" Silas asked and he took out his wallet

"Check this out." Warren said rummaging through his wallet for a picture of Nancy and found one

"You keep a picture of our mom in your wallet?" Shane asked taking the photo

"No. No, no, no, no. I just dug it out a few minutes ago to show it to you guys." Warren said as Lennon looked at the photo, Silas walked over, sat next to them, and looked at the photo. "And if you don't believe me, I'm not crazy."

"Oh, nobody said you were." Silas said "So, what else can you tell us about her?"

"Why don't I fetch the yearbook and you can see for yourself." Warren said walking away to find it

"This is bullshit." Shane said slamming his hands down on the counter

"Maybe it only works on positive energy." Silas said

"Fuck you." Shane said and Lennon laughed

"So, what do you think is in the locker room at the end of the hall?" Silas asked

"Personally… I think it's an S and M dungeon, whips, chains, the whole get up." Lennon said getting up and going to the fridge

"Or probably a shrine to mom" Shane said

"Et voila!" Warren said walking out with an open yearbook, handing it to Silas

"Holy shit" Silas said smiling and looking at the year book "Check it out." Silas said moving the book near Shane. Lennon closed the fridge an walked by Silas to look at it

"Hold on I'm getting close." Shane said staring at the telekinetic toy

"That's weird. The guy next to her has his face marked out." Silas pointed out

"That's 'cause he was an idiot." Warren said "Sill is. I deliver his mail."

"Lars Guinard." Silas said attempting to pronounce his name

"The loser, asshole, good for nothing boyfriend of your mother's from the middle of Junior high all the way through High School" Warren said

"Really?" Silas asked "She's never mentioned him."

"She ever mention me?" Warren asked sipping on his coffee mug as the blue ball Shane was looking at floated

"Holy fuck, it's levitating!" Shane said and Lennon patted his back

"What's this Lars guy look like?" Silas asked

"Blonde haired, lean, chisel-faced" Warren said "He looked like you." Lennon's mouth dropped slightly as Shane looked at Silas.

"Silas Guinard. Mike Guinard." Shane said saying names while the two of them rode motor powered scooters down the street with Lennon standing on the back of Shane's holding on to him

"Shut up." Silas said

"Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean Dad wasn't my dad." Silas said "Andy's got light hair."

"You think Andy's your dad?" Shane asked

"No, dipshit, I'm just saying maybe it skips a generation or something."

"If that was the case you'd have a Jewfro like Grandpa Lenny." Shane said

"Yeah, well, we'll see." Silas said "This Schiff guy's a little out to lunch. Lars could be black for all we know."

"It's Lars, not DeLars" Shane said

"Shut up." Silas said as they pulled up to Lars' house "This is his house." Lennon hopped off the back of the scooter and Shane ran up to the door as Silas got off of his. "What the fuck are you doing?" Silas asked as he chased after him "You can't just ring some guys door bell and ask if he's someone's father." Shane slowed down and began to walk as Silas did the same. Lennon came up behind them and Shane rang the doorbell stepping on the porch.

"Just chill" Shane said crossing his arms as Lennon laid her chin on his shoulder. Lars walked out and Lennon looked at Silas

"Yo, can I help you, bros… and lady?" Lars said

"Yeah. We, uh, noticed your car is for sale." Shane said

"Oh! Hey, yeah. Totally. She's a sweet ride. Real cherry." Lars said looking at their scooters "Cool scooters. You guys get those from SkyMall?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Shane asked

"Ordered one last year, never showed up, then I ordered another one, same thing." Lars said "Let me grab the keys." He said walking back into his home and shutting the door. Shane turned to look at him.

"He is so your fucking dad." Shane said and Lennon nodded

"Go to hell." Silas said

"Yeah. Hell-sinki" Shane said

"Fuck you." Silas said

"I replaced the alternator a couple months ago." Lars said as he shut the hood of his car "Brakes, I did just last summer, but with the nasty winters, If I were you guys I'd get it looked at before it snows. And I'm not coming down on the price, okay? I mean you seem like a nice kid but this car's got a lot of sentimental value"

"Just don't tell me you lost your virginity in it." Silas said and Lars laughed

"That's funny." Lars walked over to them "You're a funny guy, Mike."

"Yeah, that's me. Funny Mike" Silas said nervously "so, if it's so special to you, why do you want to sell it?"

"It's probably time, you know, I'm not getting any younger, right?" Lars laughed but then sighed "Ah, hell, who the hell am I kidding? My girlfriend is making me get rid of it"

"Worst girlfriend ever, It's a nice ride." Lennon said looking at the car

"She doesn't like the fact I banged other chick in it." Lars said as Shane came out of his house "Oh, hey bro, you find the bathroom okay?"

"Yup, thanks." Shane said smiling coming up behind Lennon and hugging her from behind.

"Cool." Lars said "So what do you think? Do you wanna take her for a spin?"

"Oh, uh, I gotta pass." Silas said "I don't think I could buy something you're not really ready to sell."

"Oh, hey, it's no problem. I totally understand." Lars said "Actually, I kind of appreciate it. You know what I'm gonna do right now? I am gonna take this baby off the market" He said taking the 'for sale' sign off of the car window "I mean, we don't always have to do what chicks say right?" Lennon crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow

"Yeah, especially fat chicks." Shane said and Lennon rolled her eyes

"Right" Lars laughed "I'm really happy you guys showed up today. You cleared up some stuff for me." Lars walked pass them and went into his house

"So there's a tiny resemblance. But he's not my dad" Silas said as Shane let go of Lennon

"We'll let the lab decide." Shane said

"Lab?" Silas asked

"DNA, my brother. Or should I say half-brother." Shane said holding up Lars' brush


	13. Paradise Circus

**These Things I've Done**

Chapter 13, _Paradise Circus_

* * *

"So I'm thinking of getting a bunk bed set for you and Midas but I don't want to hear all the yelling of who gets the top" Warren said holding a paper talking to Shane who was sitting in a loft chair with Stevie in his car seat, asleep.

"I don't think we're going to be here for that long, Mr. Schiff." Shane said as Lennon took a bottle of water from the fridge and flopped in the chair next to him

"And you know, I think we can get a little wall in here and give you guys a little privacy." Warren said tracing on the paper. "And you're right you're only going to be here a little while longer, and then it's just gonna be me and your mom." Lennon gave Warren a weird look

"And your hair dye." Shane said

"You think it works?" Warren asked Shane as the front door opened to reveal Nancy

"Mom, hey" Shane said

"Swan, Hellena, and I were bonding." Warren said to Nancy and Lennon shook her head

"Oh, sweet. Honey, could you empty the car?" Nancy asked Shane

"Yeah" Shane said standing up and nodding at Lennon for her to come with him. Lennon groaned, set her water down, and walked out with him.

"You couldn't do this yourself?" Lennon asked opening the car door to see four boxes

"I wanted your company; I didn't say you had to help. Although that'd be pretty nice" Shane said stacking a couple of boxes on each other and picking them up. Lennon smiled and did the same. They brought the last of the boxes in and shut the front door.

"Okay, so, what about a baseball theme for the bedroom?" Warren asked

"Yeah, you're out of bread." Shane said from the couch with Lennon laying her head on his lap and skimming through her disposable phone.

"Look, you just make a list of your favorite things and we'll stock up on some of them." Warren said walking into the kitchen and taking one of Nancy's product glasses out of the fridge

"I don't know if you should be drinking that." Shane said sitting up

"And don't forget to include some stuff for your mother." Warren said taking the cap off and drank some of it "Unless she's still trying to live off Doritos and Tab

"Dude, give up the dream" Shane said taking a bite of his sandwich

"Look, I'm not an idiot." Warren said getting on the small trampoline "I know she's not committed. Yet. But your mother loved me once, and that will happen again."

"How out of touch are you? We're leaving." Shane said as Warren began to jump

"Don't be mean." Lennon said to Shane quietly

"Like on a family vacation?" Warren asked

"Yeah. Just like that, only we're never coming back." Shane said and Lennon sighed

"No." Warren said "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening. Not again." Warren got off the trampoline and faced Shane "She just returned, she can't just leave me again." Warren was on the break of crying and pointed to his thought "I can't swallow."

"Hey, Warren?" Shane asked

"I can't swallow." Warren said taking another drink

"Relax. I didn't mean right away." Shane said trying to calm him down

"Mmm! And what does that mean 'Real, Warren" Everybody's telling me to 'Relax, Warren, Relax. What does that… what do you mean?" Warren asked getting back on the trampoline "For months? For weeks? What?" Warren began breathing heavily "Have you answered me?" Warren asked and Shane shook his head "There's something happening, , really weird, with my eyes… Are you two bouncing?"

"You okay, Warren?" Lennon said sitting up trying her best not to laugh as Shane chuckled

"Whoa, whoa" Warren said bouncing on the trampoline, waving hands in front of his face.

"I have so much energy." Warren said in parts, bouncing on the trampoline than falling on it

"Okay, see, he's not doing it right." Doug said "You gotta embrace the light and dark equally." Warren popped up behind the chair Shane was sitting on and he moved away slightly. Lennon walked into the room and hopped onto he trampoline

"She's my true north, and if she leaves me, I'm nothing." Warren said to Shane while standing up "So, if she leaves me, I'm going to kill myself. Bummer" Lennon stopped bouncing and frowned

"Alright, killer. I hate to break the new to you, man, but I gotta take off" Doug said picking up his backpack "I'm going to pick up my passport and be back hopefully by tomorrow."

"You can't leave us with him when he's high off his ass." Lennon said hopping off the trampoline

"I gotta, sorry." Doug said facing back to Shane "You got my cell number right?"

"What do you think?" Shane asked

"Okay, well. Andy's got it. Do not leave for Copenhagen without me."

"What are we supposed to do with Teach?" Shane asked as Doug opened the front door

"Keep an eye on him, make sure he eats, and don't let him sleep on his back." Doug said leaving the two with Warren

"Always the babysitter. Awesome." Shane said to himself

"He'll be fine. You won't even have to do anything. If I've learned anything, he'll pass out in like… 20 minutes." Lennon said sitting on the arm rest of the chair he was sitting on. Shane sighed and leaned back into the chair "Hey," Lennon said nudging him; he looked up at her "Love you."  
"Love you too." Shane said as Lennon gave him a quick kiss. Lennon stood from her spot and walked to the fridge and opened the freezer in search for ice cream.

"You got to take me with you. I got money." Warren said to Shane

"We're getting money. Hooman here owes my mom." Shane said

"Sorry, bro. I can't sell the Leg Spreader while I'm hiding out here." Hooman said. Lennon sighed.

"How much do you have?" Shane asked Warren

"Let me show you." Warren said getting up, followed by Hooman, Shane, and Lennon

"And kids tipped over my carts, once I got a Christmas gift from one of my customers and you know what it was?" Warren asked looking at them

"Poop?" Shane asked

"Poop. Poop. Poop!" Warren said opening the door and turning the light on "So, sometimes I bring the mail home."

"Holy fuck" Lennon said

"You have to be the worst mailman ever." Shane said looking into the room full of mail and packages

"Yep. I'm really not very good." Warren said

"How did you end up in Dearborn?" Warren asked clutching mail to his chest "I thought Arabs hated cold weather."

"And why do you deserve to be here more than I do?" Hooman asked

"Simple math. You people didn't get here till the 70's. My people have been here forever."

"Really? What are you an Ottawa? Anishnabe? Or Potawatomi?" Hooman asked

"Oh don't give me that Indian crap." Warren said as Shane pulled out a white and light blue striped onesie and showed it to Lennon

"Wanna keep it?" Lennon asked

"Yeah" Shane nodded

"Okay" Lennon smiled as Silas walked in

"You wanna join?" Shane asked his older brother going through packages and pulling out money "We're stealing Christmas card money from the past."

"No, thanks. Where's mom?" Silas asked

"She's not here." Warren said opening packages up

"Here" Shane said handing a letter to Silas

"I said I don't want to open anything." Silas said

"Oh, it's your paternity results. Picked them up today." Shane said as Silas took it from him and walked away

"Yo, this one's addressed to me." Hooman said opening a letter "I got into college?" Hooman looked at Warren

"Dude, what happened?" Hooman asked as Andy walked into the room

"I totally understand the ego issues involved when it comes to one's Louisville Slugger, but maybe you could've been a little more in the ball park, size wise." Andy said as Lennon covered her mouth to keep her from laughing

"Man, what's that sunni perv doing checking out my junk anyway?" Hooman asked "Fuck that whole family."

"No, go to her." Andy said "Don't end up dead and alone like I'm going to."

"Maybe if I show him I got into college." Hooman suggested showing Andy the paper. Andy shrugged "Alright you guys have been dope, especially you Lennon, you've been great to look at. Wish me luck" Hooman walked out.

"What's with you?" Shane asked Andy

"I saw a lot of dead people today." Andy replied "Kind of battling my own mortality… What are you guys doing?"

"Getting Copenhagen money" Shane replied looking through a letter and pulled out a 20 "Sorta thought we'd find more." Shane placed it in the pile of money

"That? Yeah, that's not gonna get us plane tickets, let alone passports." Andy said "Fuck. I guess Copenhagen's off." Nancy walked in

"No. No it's not." Nancy said handing Andy money "Passports, plane tickets, whatever else we need, just go get it. Wake me when it's time to go" Nancy walked out

"This will only cover the passports." Andy shouted at Nancy so she could hear

"I'll get the money" Warren stood up and walked out "I'll get the money"

"That mean were done?" Lennon asked Shane and he shrugged

"I guess so." Shane said standing up and helping Lennon up as well

"Thank god, I was about t-" Lennon covered her mouth

"Oh no" Shane said as Lennon speed walked to the sink, Shane close behind her. Shane held her hair with one hand and rubbed her back with another "You okay?" Shane asked as she stopped blowing chunks.

"Yeah… I think so." Lennon stood up and Shane sighed. Shane lifted Lennon onto the counter and wiped her mouth with a paper towel. Lennon wrapped her legs around him and laid her forehead on his. Shane smiled and kissed her.

"You taste like puke." Shane said and Lennon hit him playfully

Lennon climbed into the bed where Nancy was. Nancy wrapped her arms around her and smiled

"Hey." Lennon said smiling

"Hey." Nancy said back to her as her voice broke and petted Lennon's hair. Lennon looked up at Nancy and burst into tears. "Oh, oh, honey…" Nancy pulled her to her chest "What's wrong?"

"I- I'm so… scared, Nayna." Lennon whispered

"Sh sh sh sh" Nancy said closing her eyes and cried herself

Nancy and Lennon woke to the sound of Nancy's phone chime.

"Who's that?" Lennon asked in her sleepy voice while rubbing her eyes

"Someone I met yesterday…" Nancy said glancing at Lennon "Andy? Andy?"

"Hey, how was your guys' nap?" Andy asked walking in the room

"I'll meet you at the airport. You know what to do." Nancy said

"Plan A, Plan B, or Plan C?" Andy asked as Nancy walked into the hallway

"I'll let you know." Nancy replied. Lennon looked at Andy

"What's Plan A, B, and C?" Lennon asked

"Nothing" Andy said quickly and walking out of the room.

"We gotta g-" Lennon walked into the garage and saw Andy kiss Silas "The fuck did I just walk in to?" Lennon asked

"There. Now we've been to first base." Andy said to Silas

"Are they…?" Lars asked

"No." Shane said

"I love you." Andy said

"I love you, too." Silas said

"You sure they're not…" Lars asked

"I'm saying goodbye to my Nephew, who I love, who I'm gonna miss… and who I might never see again" Andy said

"Technically, he's not your nephew." Lars said

"Shut the fuck up, Lard Guinard." Shane said

"You're not coming?" Lennon asked Silas and he nodded. She suddenly turned extremely depressed. Lennon ran over and hugged Silas as tight as she could. "I'm gonna miss you." Lennon said and Silas frowned

"Shane, Lennon, Time to go." Andy said his voice breaking. Lennon pulled away and walked off with Andy and Shane

"I wish I spoke Icelandic." Shane said standing in front of Lennon and Andy with Warren in front of him.

"Calm the fuck down and speak like Bjork. It's all gonna be fine." Andy said

"Who the hell is Bork?" Warren asked and Lennon rolled her eyes

"Supreme Court nominee from the Reagan Administration" Shane said

"Follow my lead." Andy whispered to Shane and Lennon as he took the baby from Shane. They moved out of line "Go ahead, I gotta deal with the baby for a minute." Andy said to the passengers. Andy moved behind a man he was looking at followed by Warren, Shane, and Lennon

"This is racist and stupid." Shane said to Andy

"Shane, my dear boy, I have learned to rely on one thing…" Andy and the rest watched the man handed over his passport "… the shallow…stupidity… of people." Andy said as a guard asked him to step aside "Go, go, that's us." Andy faced Warren as Lennon was beside Shane "Schiff how you gonna work it?"

"I'm fine. I've got my own passport. I'm an American; I'll just be loud, dumb, and enthusiastic."

"Excellent. It's show time." Andy said walking up beside Lennon and Shane

"And where's the mother?" The man asked looking at Stevie as Shane held him up

"Coming... She's coming here soon." Andy replied nervously

"She's returning the rental car." Shane said

"Uh-uh I can't let you go through without permission from the mother."

"She wrote a note for us." Andy said taking it out of the bag and handing it to the man "Ach! She is so smart. She thought we might have this problem and I said of course not and she said let me write a note just in case" The man read the paper

"Okay, have a safe trip." He said handing the paper back to Andy

"That was incredible!" Warren said coming up behind them as they took off their shoes. Lennon pouted.

"Way to go TSA, when did mom write that note?" Shane asked

"I wrote it, signed her name." Andy said "Thinking ahead I'm that good."

"Wasn't Nancy supposed to be here by now?" Warren asked Andy

"Yeah, she'll be here don't worry. She'll meet us at the gate"

"What are you doing?" Shane asked slipping his shoes back on

"They told me that it was going to be a full flight" Warren replied

"So?" Lennon said

"So, I hate strangers sitting next to me when I fly." Warren replied "So if someone approaches my aisle and looks like they're gonna sit down, I just flash them my Jesus hat. And most beatific smile and say 'Hello friend'"

"That's genius." Andy said

"Some people will sit in the toilet the whole flight rather than park it next to me"

"What if an actual believer comes and sits in the middle seat and actually wants to talk scripture with you the entire flight?" Shane asked putting his backpack on

"Then I just watch porn on my laptop." Warren replied as Andy's phone rang, after a few minutes he hung up

"C? Plan C?" Lennon asked confused on what it was

"Nothing… it's nothing. I'm sure she'll be here soon." Andy said

"That makes one of us" Shane said "She's mom, who knows what she's up to."

"Come on, come on." Andy said to the group and they all stood and gathered their belongings and followed Andy

"Who is he talking to on the phone anyway?" Warren asked

"I don't know." Shane said as Lennon plugged her headphones into her IPod and began blasting music with one earphone in.

"God, she's always late. She was late for class, she was late for dinner"

"Late for dinner?" Shane asked and Lennon gave Warren a weird look

"Yeah, we used to have dinner… Of course there was no cooking at her house"

"I wonder why." Lennon whispered to herself sarcastically skimming through her list of songs

"Then again, there was no cooking in my house. But I used to get her these Lean Cuisines. She loved that." Lennon and Shane looked at each other in shock

"How old was she?" Shane asked

"Fifteen…Fourteen…" Warren said

"And how old were you?" Lennon asked

"Let's just say that I was old enough to know better and young enough not to care." Warren replied

"Ew" Lennon and Shane said in unison

"I loved her. And then she outgrew me. And then she left." Warren said "But she came back."

"It's so Lolita." Shane said and Lennon giggled to herself

"You know I'm not going anywhere without her." Warren stated as Nancy came to view "There she is."

"What's up between those two?" Warren asked Shane

"Who knows? Always drama." Shane said

"Well, did they ever…"

"No" Shane said before he could finish. Shane, Lennon, and Warren walked up to Nancy and Andy.

"We gotta get with the getting." Warren said

"I'm gonna change the baby, you guys go ahead." Nancy said

"I changed him less than an hour ago." Shane said setting Stevie down

"It's a long flight and its… bathroom are small" Nancy said "His diaper's puffy I'll just be there a sec."

"Nayna…" Lennon said not believing anything she says

"Go, go, go." Nancy said as they walked up to the lady that checked the tickets "Shane." Nancy said and he turned around "Get me a pillow and a blanket."

'We're gonna lose all of the over head space." Warren said "We gotta hurry. We'll see you on board, Nance"

"Thanks, Warren." Nancy said looking down

"Go fast, okay?" Shane said as Lennon took his hand. Shane and Lennon handed the lady their passports and tickets. Warren was walking down the aisle followed by Lennon, Shane, and Andy

"I need to go back, I think I forgot something." Shane said turning towards Andy and Lennon

'What'd you forget?" Andy asked as Lennon peaked behind him to see what was going on "Whatever you need we can buy it when we land."

"Gum. Gum. I need gum. My ears get really clogged." Shane said making excuses

"I got gum" Warren said as Lennon shoved her suitcase in the overhead space

"Move into the row here, you're blocking the aisle." Andy said to Shane

"I want the aisle seat." Shane said quickly as Lennon sat down in the middle

"You take the window, I want the aisle seat." Shane said

"Fine" Andy said climbing over Lennon. Shane took a break for it

"I got… didn't he hear me say I got gum?" Warren said as Andy stood

"I need to get off." Shane said to the flight attendant as Andy walked up behind Shane

"Jitters" Andy said placing his hands on Shane's shoulders "He's afraid to fly." Lennon was breathing intensely. She was in a plane crash before. She was only 4 years old. And that plane crash killed her parents "The doctor told me to give him half a Xanax. I was gonna wait but could I trouble you for some Sprite or something?"

"Oh, sure" The woman said walking into the front. Lennon's breathing enhanced and she began to silently cry. Shane turned to face Andy

"She's not coming is she?" Shane asked

"No, she's not." Andy said. Shane walked back and sat in the seat across from Warren and Andy sat next to Lennon. Lennon wiped her tears and looked out the window so Andy couldn't see her crying

Silas came into view, Andy stood up so Silas could get to his seat. Silas sat down next to Lennon and looked out of the window. Andy sat back down as Shane turned to look at Silas

"Couldn't stay away, huh?" Shane asked

"Like you always said, I'm not very bright." Silas replied

"Did you see her?" Shane asked

"Uh-huh" Silas said and Lennon realized

Lennon popped out the tray from the back of the seat, placed her arms on it and laid her head down.

"You did to tell her to shake a leg, didn't you, Midas?" Warren asked Silas

"Uh-huh" Silas replied

"You okay?" Shane asked Lennon

"I'm… fine." Lennon said but Shane knew she was lying, he knew she was freaking out inside because of past experiences with planes. Shane sighed and poked at his lips, meaning for her to kiss him. Lennon gave a sad look and leaned in to kiss him through the seats. Lennon pulled away and Shane turned back into his seat.

"Just like your mother. Wait until the last possible moment. So she can make a big entrance" Warren said as police officers walked onto the plane. Lennon looked up at the men, Shane and Andy did the same. The men came up to Shane's row and Lennon was about to take all blame but then he said something else

"Mr. Warren Schiff?" The police man asked

"Hello, friend" Warren said with his 'Jesus' hat on and then realized "You're not my friend are you?"

"Please stand and follow me off the plane, Mr. Schiff."

"Why?" Warren asked "What'd I do? I'm only taking a vacation"

"Mr. Schiff you're under arrest for the suspected burglary of a United Stated postal office." The man said "Now please stand up and follow me off the plane." Shane stood up so Warren could get through "My partner will follow you." Warren set his pillow in the middle seat and got up

"You're a lucky guy; you get the whole row to yourself." Warren said to Shane pretending to not know him "And I'm leaving you my sleep wedge, because you look like a fine young man Take good care of it. It's very expensive." Warren whispered to Shane and then winked. Warren walked off the plane with the police and Shane sat back down. Lennon scooted forward and looked at Shane who was patting at the pillow, when he opened it; the pillow was full of money and Lennon's mouth dropped. Shane looked back at Lennon and zipped the pillow back up.

* * *

_A/N: Alrighty! time to hop onto writing the 3 year time jump thing now3 i'm gonna figure out what i'm going to do with it._


End file.
